i don't know how to face you anymore.
i had a dream about you the other night, it felt so real
every touch, every word, every breath, every moan.
i can't believe i dreamt that.
you're raping my thoughts, and you're raping me.
you're raping the weak soul of a teenager who has no grip on life.

i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.

get out of my life
get out of my dreams
get out of my ears
get out of my soul
get out of my past
get out of my future

stop saying my name
forget my fucking phone number
forget ME DAD
FORGET ME PLEASE
THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING
I'M NOT COMING OVER ANYMORE
I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FAMILY
I HOPE YOU ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY
every tear i shed for you is useless
you have no impact on my life anymore
you're useless

you were never there
you're trying to be there, and you're failing
when are you gonna give up on the fact that i don't like you anymore?
when are you gonna get through your head that i don't love anything about you?

you've killed all the few good memories we had
i hate you dad.

stay out of my life
stay out of my dreams
stay out of my ears
stay out of my soul
stay out of my past
stay out of my future
stay out of my thoughts

stop looking at me with those eyes
and stop holding my hand
don't touch me
you're a monster
crawl under the bed where you belong.
pretty please with sugar on top?

giants are chasing me with big hands and i can't escape.
the shadows take over my shadow on the wall.

all i wanted was to be a shadow puppet.
i have rights as a person, to be anything that i want to be.
and i'm sick of you trying to tell me that's it's not going to happen.

it will happen and i'll sit in my dorm room and over-look the harbor one day
and i can't wait until my dreams come true.

and the giants will no longer caress me with big hands and bulky arms.
i'm so small, yet the world is so big.

i know this, it's in my head
but i'm still not giving up.
i'm going to persevere and you're going to be so fucking mad when it happens.
because i'll have money for a plane ticket, and i'll have money for college,
and i'll have money to do whatever the fuck i want.

and you'll be that crying giant waiting to touch me on the shoulder and rip the clothes off
my back.
and i'll have a shirt under that.
so you can't catch me now.
i'm un stoppable.
and one day, i'll live there and breath there and make friends there and become homeless.

it's an impossible dream i know.
but expect the un expected.

transitions.

sudden, oh so fucking sudden.
i've been through every face today, ever mood there is. every image anyone can portray.
it's like a drama mask that never ends.

it's like i can't escape.
i'm always angry.
i'm always happy.
i'm always sad.
i'm always teary eyed.
i'm always squinty eyed from my chubby cheeks nudging them as i smile.

what?

my moods have been switching on and off like a light switch.
like one of those blinking signs on the cheap drug store signs you see from too much condensation in the lighting from being outside in the humid air.
birds nesting in them, eggs breaking, birds hatching.

confrontation is my biggest fear.
facing their bony skeleton is my biggest worry.
looking at their eyes is my biggest habit.
searching for the right words to say, is my biggest hesitation.

concentrate. concentrate. concentrate.

up, down, across, left, right, sideways, horizontal, vertical
weave the web of lies.

lies are my biggest sin.
religion is my biggest regret.

being angry all the time is my biggest let down.
being sad all the time is my biggest anger.
being happy all the time is my biggest pain.
being tired is my biggest depression.

making sense, is my biggest insecurity.

flashing flashing flashing is my biggest break down.
sections of my moods are being cut in half with a meat cleaver.

am i just teary eyed because i'm laughing so hard?
am i laughing so hard i'm crying?
am i crying so hard i'm sad?
am i sad because i'm angry?
am i angry because i'm tired?
am i tired because i'm tossing and turning?

i'm tossing and turning because i wake up naked. without any company.
no company to think about.
no company to feel.

laying there awake is the only time i can think.
but my brain is going so fast, i can't catch up to it.
"you're not really asleep and you're not really awake."

i always wanted to believe, i could achieve anything beyond my wildest dreams.

THINK. CONCENTRATE. FEAR THE LONLINESS.
KILL WHAT HAS TAKEN OVER YOU.
SLASH ANYTHING THAT STEPS ON YOUR TOES.

make those chubby cheeks nudge your eyes one last time.
don't give up now. this is our first finish and our last beginning.

half empty next to nothing.

dirt and grime and clothes in the river and feet on the streets and you and me.
i know that it's nothing anymore, i know you're happy. i know i'm happy.
let's leave it at that
forgive and not forget. let's break a few rules
let's forget about the rule books
and forget about morals that were served to us on a silver platter.
yours was, mine weren't.
mine were served hands-free-under-the-table.
just like how i'm going to get paid.
let's compulsive lie; have them bounce in every corner of the ceiling
ever single quivering crevice of the doorknob.
twisting and turning like your face is distored.

the times were like a glass.
half empty of half full?
it's a trick question.

were "the times" an illusion?
or were they real?
did we actually live them?
or are they just washed away by waves like names in the sand.

i'm glad we're moving on.
i'm glad we forgot.
i'm glad YOU forgot.

it's like they never happened.
it's like
we're trying to be some alice in wonderland knock off.
just a dream
looking through a goddamn keyhole only to see yourself completely knocked out sleeping.

i would like to feel alive sometime too.
i AM alive.
I'M WALKING TALKING HUMAN FLESH THAT FUNCTIONS WITHOUT BEING GLUED TO THE PAST.
reality hasn't set in quite yet.
it hasn't made it way through my arms yet, it's stuck in a blood clot filled with tiny stress balls that are slowly starting to mend themselves away to nothing.
then reality will set in, under one condition.

when we did all this

were our veins half empty?
or half full?

carousel

spinning bouncing and shaking over and over again as our little hands touch the golden shiny poles.
the thing that made us come here the most.
our fingernails imperfect, our faces imperfect, and these horses imperfect.
missing a seat belt, missing a frown, missing a friends hand to hold.
out in the open you scream, and you laugh and you dance while sitting down. and you close your eyes and hear the carousel music and the rhythm and the piano's and the xylophones hissing through your ears, and swimming through the threads of your favorite shirt and running up your arm and tickling the little hairs on your freckled cheeks.
our stubby noses and our sharp teeth and our water stained tickets.
your hair is swaying in the wind and even though the horse is only going up and down you feel like your bouncing a million miles a minute! and you feel like anything could come your way and nothing could fuck you up. you feel like the wind could blow it's hardest and it wouldn't mess up one little shirley temple curl on your head. and even if your freckles are fake the wind can't blow those off either. and the wind can't blow your cotton candy out of your mouth because it's so sticky and pink and delicious. and close your eyes one more, just once more and think of the clouds and the blue sky and how white the clouds are compared to it and how bright and vibrant it makes you feel. and smile, smile the biggest you've ever smiled because this may be your last time and your last time before you could walk into your door and realize you're banned from your friends or you're tied down for a straight 3 months because of something someone else did.


so smile and laugh and LIVE! and just smile and laugh and live with me. and think of each other leaping through the clouds like there's no weight limit while holding hands and jumping and skipping and taking breaks to give each other hugs and have a tea party with the unkown.

ride this carousel like it's your very last breath, take in the deepest breath you can, because i still have not.
because this will all be real someday, you'll all see, that this ISN'T make believe.

"we were just bouncing and laughing and running around making fun of everything and finding flaws in everything... "

Our legs were going so fast and my stomach was pulsating up and down because i could not stop laughing! i was running down the stairs and i could feel my stupid worthless dress pants rubbing against my buckling, shaking knee caps because i was laughing so hard. and i could hear your laugh echoing!
and i couldn't get enough.
it felt so real, and it felt like what you described in your letter that i read everyday to make me happy. my week was so miserable and so was yours. but we made it realistic and it felt SOSOSOSOSO incredible! and i hope you felt the same way. because it felt really good to feel it and see it and run and laugh and it wasn't just a spur of the moment because i never felt a dream that incredible before. and i can't fucking explain how much i love you, and how no matter how hard i try to respect you leaving me, i always miss you. and i LOVE being imperfect and obnoxious and pointing and laughing at people and talking in the corners of our mouths like that cute little kindergartner, tailin and her turtle penelope and greenfield! and i can't stop smiling and crying and for once i don't care if i look stupid. i think i don't care if i look bad in public anymore, and i'm glad that we're together again.
today really opened my eyes to what we needed, and what we've been missing out on forever. and how we wake up in CVS and steal milk brownies and peanit dinnerz and talk about the beverage man and all this simple shit that's ours and no one elses! but i'm SO glad it fucking exists and i'm SO glad we both exist together!
and i LOVE the feeling of existing at the same point in time on that street, on that bus that stops and goes every 5 seconds and making fun of the deaf lady and seeing all the classics and laughing at the pee water guy that stares at everyone!
I HOPE WE EXIST FOREVER, AND I HOPE THIS NEVER ENDS.
i blame today for all of this exploding happiness that i needed and you needed for a really long time.
AND
I
LIKE IT.

i have to share this! ...

dream:
i was standing on a peer, just a wooden brown peer. overlooking the saddest body of water i have ever saw in my life. it was gray and i don't know if it was an ocean or a lake or a river, but it doesn't matter because there were fish jumping in and out of the water like it was hurting them. but fish live in water! THEY LOVE WATER! but they were jumping and flopping every which way and screaming like the water was toxic or something. and i think that's why the water was gray. so i walked away, because i couldn't take the noise of them. my hands were dangling at my sides and a hamster appeared in my right hand and a mouse appeared in my left hand. my eyes widened and i picked up my hands rather quickly to see that they were suffering. they were fucking squirming and dying in the palms of my hands. so i was frantically running every where, i was turning down streets that didn't even look safe trying to find one person that wasn't gray and down. but i didn't care anymore! i needed someone to help these poor animals. so i found a veterinarian lady, she looked like she could help. so i walk up to her, with the most disrupted look on my face, and i said to her, "hey could you help my animals? they're dying!" and she looks up and says, "there's really nothing we can do, mam. all we can do is kill them." so this veterinarian lady that i met, she snapped their necks. i looked up at her like she just killed my soul or something. and i just walked away looking at these gruesome looking animals that are now dead. i went to go sit down in this brownish chair, and it just so happened to be in the middle of a wedding ceremony. and i was just sitting there looking at my dead animals and looking up at the bride and groom and then back at my dead animals. and wondered, "am i the only one that's noticing this?" i didn't get how someone could get married while there were animals suffering on basically every corner of the street.

i cried when i woke up, and now i'm probably going to live my life very disturbed and i'll wonder about everything, and i'll probably be a little bit more pessimistic and paranoid.
thanks.

and i remember all the fragrances and all the ones that kissed the top of my nose
the wind that went through my hair like a stream in a mountain peak, and the way my sleeves smelled like maple syrup because i was so careless eating waffles where i sat my ass on my couch and watched yo gabba gabba because the remote didn't work and i didn't care. because i was laughing at what my mind was thinking and i was laughing at how i didn't care what i was glancing up at to know that a million little kids were actually getting knowledge off of this shit. and i remember hearing the door slam and i remember smiling and showing my teeth at you and i didn't care if i had something in my teeth from the million french fries we ate, that i could barely devour as fast as you. and i just remember that inifinite feeling i felt driving in that shitty car with those people i barely ever fucking hang out with, that wanted me there, and i wanted to be there and we all wanted each other's company because company is good sometimes. even by people you barely even talk to because you can be yourself in front of them and you can laugh and feed each other taco's in the backseat of a clicking car that is barely pieced together correctly. and i can feel the cold october air hissing in my ears and swiping past my strands of hair like the million credit cards that were swiped at the mall that we drove to for no apparent reason that was closed. THAT WINDOW THAT KEPT CREEKING EVERY TIME WE OPENED IT TO ASK A HASPANIC LADY IF THE STORE WAS CLOSED BECAUSE ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS VANDALIZE THINGS AND ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS WALK AROUND AIMLESSLY WITH NO AUTHORITY.

i laughed so hard at the smiplest things.

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl that has found herself.
and her place is in that car and at those moments where we walked hand in hand and swung at the park, and sat and glanced at the city scape and the orange sky and the cloud that looked like two people having sex. and i'm loving this skipping music and this shitty tuned guitar, but i'm still gonna write my story in a word document and i'm still gonna strum this guitar and try my best to know what to say and know what do.
i love that foggy white room with different strobe lights fucking with our eyes trying to give us epileptic seizures but refused because all that mattered to us was at that moment and that time, we were holding hands and following the orange rope that led us to the exit we didn't want to go to because it felt like a time machine and the end of the world. my heart was racing and so was yours but you said you saw my silhouette in the midst of everything that was going on in that fog- induced- strobe- light- flashing room. all we needed was our imagination and our surroundings and our hands, and once we got out. i felt like we came back to reality but not quite because,
i love highway music and i really like the wind and i really like the tree leaves swaying in the frigid wind that once kissed my nose at that little nook where we were on that highway painted with yellow and white lines that we didn't follow.

there's no such thing as a straight line, and there's no such thing as following and there's no such thing as not singing lalalalalala in your head.

because YOU can
HE can
WE ALL CAN.

i hope you realize.

you ruin my fucking life.
you won't let me live a life full of guitars and friends and outside.
instead, i'm cooped up in a house made of rules and i'm cooped up to where i can't move and the only direction the walls are moving is in. towards me, just to make me claustrophobic.
maybe i am being my stupid self.
and maybe you are sick of it.
if you're so sick of it, why don't you just send me away?
you know you want to..
you know you want me to go live with him, and you know you don't care what happens to me.
the only thing you care about is waking up the next morning knowing you won't see my face.
and you'll celebrate.
and i'm here to say, i'm okay with that.
because i'm sick of getting made fun of, and i'm sick of being ignored for all the wrong reasons and i'm sick and fucking tired of being miserable every timie i walk in here
and i'm over the fact that i fight with you all the time,
and i know i'm not your mom, and you hardly are my mom anymore.
i never talk to you anymore
when i do we fight.
i never see you anymore
and if i do its only because i'm making food in the kitchen
or walking past you in the hallway.
and i never hug you because you always have to do something to piss me off
i know i'm a teenager, and i know i'm just growing up.
and just because you know about my blog isn't gonna stop me from flipping out on you
because obviously i cant do it in person because you'll probably run your fist through my mouth.
but if this is part of growing up, and i'm supposed to look back on this and laugh and say
"where was my mind, what was i thinking?"
then why didn't i do that yet?
because i remember things i used to get mad at all the time when i was little and i still think the things i did get mad at made sense.
and maybe when i do get mad it doesn't matter to anyone else except me. but what if you're wrong?
did you ever think that someone could care about you so much, that they care why you're mad?
just because it might have not happened to you doesn't mean there's no hope for me.
if i try to talk like it's our last conversation, nothing, and i mean absolutely nothing will change.
just because i'm treating the situatoin differently doesn't mean it's gonna make it all better.
the day you die, you're dying words will probably be 'you were a mistake, fuck you.'
maybe i'm not as bad of a kid as you think i am.
but in real life, and in my mind. i am.
damn, you're all so clueless.

burn outs

i'm a candle that has burned on,
and i'm a lightbulb that'll never lose it's power.
we're here right now, so live right now and live with right now.
would you give me your eyes if mine went blind?
they've been open for so long for no purpose, for no REAL symbolic reason.
strum strum strum away, lay in the grass and feel the dew on your hair.
the droplets drip down your rough cheek onto your shirt making dots.
light blue turns into dark blue because of saturation.
we could be dancing with no clothes on.
we could go slow, and we could laugh so hard
at the things we know and no one else does.
let's be something no one else could be
let's be something no one else thought of
and let's prove every single one of them wrong.
and all people tell me now these days are, "how cool is colorblind"
and that "some days i just think that i need a friend to tell me they don't know what they would
do without me."
well, i don't know what i would do without IT.
without what connects us - together - what makes us form like the jigsaw puzzle piece we are.
i always hear people telling other people secrets.
well my secret, was a lie.
and all i hear parents saying is how they expect great things from their children.
some people often forget to tell them that it's perfectly OKAY if they can't shine as bright as others
that it's PERFECTLY NORMAL if they're not shining stars.
personally, i didn't burn brightly.
and now ALL I WANT TO DO
is burn out.

TRUST ME ON THIS

because no one else will, and the next thing you know i'll be chasing you with frigid fingers and you'll be crying to everyone you know and i'll be asking you where you are and you'll be asking me to stop asking you these stupid questions and i'm going to talk in a run on sentence because i don't know when i should stop and i don't know where i should start and i just need a good talking to because no one really sits down with me and takes the time to talk to me because i'm not fucking replacing you and i hate that you think i am but its not fucking true and you need to stop being so goddamn anti social i miss it you miss it we all miss it but there's no fucking turning back now we just need to go ahead and move on with our lives and i miss the old e-mails we used to write to each other and i miss when the mornings were cold and i had that shitty fur hooded jacket and i miss the hot coffee and i miss the snow on the ground and the snow in my shoes and the snow on my nose and i miss the winter because it was really cold and i enjoyed the cold because i would look through the classroom window telling everyone the next days forecast when really no one cared and i lived on kdka.com and no one cared and if you're reading this far you have a heart because no one would read this long of a run on sentence and i used a lot of interjections but i don't give a shit because my voice needs to be heard sometime. there

I STOPPED.

and that's when i realized,

all the answers are right under your nose.
i was cutting out magazine letters to spell the word "infinite" for some unknown reason,
i cut it out, and it just fell out of the magazine, off the page where i cut it out of.
and it just fell to the ground, from what i could see.
i kept on looking for the "i" i cut out, saying the word infinite as i was looking to see where it could have fallen to. i was saying the word infinite because without this particular "i" i cut out, infinite would have a spelling error. infinite just wouldn't be spelled right, infinite just wouldn't be complete.
i kept kicking myself over loosing this "i", as it was making me REALLY angry.
i go to look for another "i" in the magazine i've been flipping through for the past 15 minutes, and i blink.
i look on my hoodie and there's the "i" i cut out, and it's the right "i" i wanted. it's the "i" that "fell to the floor" it's the "i" to complete the word, infinite.
now, i'm feeling as inifinite as i was when i found that perfect "i" to complete the perfect word to describe what i'm feeling.
I AM INFINITE TO THE GREATEST EXTENT - WITHOUT ANY MEASURE OF HOW BIG OR LARGE ANYTHING IS.
exceedingly great: very great in size, number, degree, or extent.
-she is feeling inifinite over the letter "i"
i stop, and ask myself, "where is my mind?"
and that's when i realized,
all the answers are right under MY nose.
INCORRECT.

plug ins

i don't exactly know why, but i don't like it here.
i like it better here, but back then.
old lives, old times, old laughs, old jokes.

this doesn't exist.
what am i saying?
it's all in the past.
you've forgotten.

why am i talking about this?
no one cares.
you don't care.

i do.

why do i continue to think about this?
why can't my mind rest and go to sleep?
and why do i wake up un happy?

why do you tell me lies?
why do you say them to my face?
and why do i continue to follow you?

give me a name.
give me a sign.

stop running me over.
and stop leaving me out.
because i don't want to keep on sitting here.
i don't like your eyes.
and i don't like your expressions.
and i don't like your essence of absolutely nothing.

sometimes i wonder about you.
and sometimes i wonder about me.
and it's pointless.
you know why?

because i want to go back to everything before this shit hole happened.
you don't understand.

but i do.

why am i talking about this?
this doesn't exist.
what am i saying?

goodbye.

i'm a LITTLE bent

i'm quickly starting to fall apart. so bitter with the world surrounding me. i'm so easily angered, but never show it, and never say it out loud. and i'm so easily tempted to do things, and i'm so easily set off. i feel like i've once had my own two feet to stand on, but it's so far forgotten, that i'm either collapsing to the ground, or curled up in a ball on my matress hiding from the world under a comforter. every single attempt to break myself out of this downfall, fails. it only seems to bring me closer to absolutely no return. no return to people, no return to the earth. i'm so lost, without any idea of where i need to be, where i should be, or where people want me to be. all i know is it's somewhere not here. not within arms reach, anyway.

i have atleast some ideas of what to do to get to this destination. but there's a voice inside my head telling me that it's a dangerous route to take all alone. it's telling me to stick it out, constantly. so, why can't i listen to it when it's telling me it's dangerous, but i can't listen to it when it tells me to stick it out? i know exactly what would happen if i listened to it, i would just be stuck where i am today. i can't do a damn good thing for myself. i'm not serving much justice where i am. and i can't do anything good for others. i really am, and i really feel absolutely hopeless at this point.

no one should take this as my constant attitude. and please don't. although, it is becoming a daily routine, and a little bit TOO common. i just feel shut down after one of my usual mess-ups. and i just felt the need to berate myself, publicly on the internet. for your eyes to scan.

i feel a bit better letting this out, than lugging it around.

thanks for listening.

it's a mad world.

i think this was written by a very pessimistic man. he has a somewhat true overlook on the world. his overlook, that no one else really sees. he thinks that we're all robots, doing the same thing everyday like, school and work for very pointless reasons. he believes we all conform to society, and you should too. we're all doing what is happening around us. no one really searches for their goals. it's a mad world because we all have hopes and happiness but we're all robots in search for happiness in all the wrong places. we all hope it comes to us, we don't want to take the time out of our society following life to pursue that happiness and that hope we strive for all on our own. it's a crazy deal.
we should all go after our dreams and refuse to live our life pointlessly.
do what makes us happy.
no more
conformity.

i'm not just going to let you crash and burn like this, and i can't believe you're telling me you're happy, and i can't believe i'm not scared. one day we're going to remember this. and one day we're all gonna die and decompose into the prettiest fall tree this town has ever seen. it's thoughts like these that get us nowhere, and it's words like these that get us somewhere, and it's actions like these that let us die happy. i just want you to realize how much you just need to realize your own faults in life and you need to realize that your imperfections are better than the milkyway, imperfections make a perfect face, not an ugly duckling. have faith in the world have faith in pittsurgh and have faith in this bloody basement filled with cocroaches that crawl up your nose and eat your brain. because we all feel so alive, sunshine doesn't do every god damn thing. sunshine can't just make you feel alive. YOU make YOU feel alive. sunshine isn't every thing. and neither is god's small penis.

EDIT: we're not breaking hearts, we're breaking wine glasses. we're licking our fingers and rubbing them in a circular motion to make the high pitched noise so all the dogs in the universe can hear us. and i don't want to be an optimist. i want to be a pessimist and be the only one there is. because all anyone is anymore is an optimist. and optimist thoughts kill me sometimes, i just don't understand how someone can think the better side of things all the fucking time. like how the grass is greener on the other side. the grass may be greener, but what if they have tomb stones on top of them? what if you keep stepping over them and they just keep sleeping tight with worms and bugs eating away at them? what if they can never become that one thing they always wanted to be, that beautiful tree they wanted to sprout into? and have people kiss under it, and fight under it, and ruin perfect little optimistic picnics under. there's a negative side to every single thing that exists. there's a negative side to the dead and there's a negative side to the living and the lurking. you could buy the cutest little puppy, but that puppy has needle teeth, and it bites your shoes and you put the shoes on the wrong feet because this puppy is so damn high maintenance. and there's just not enough time for you to be an optimist or be narcissistic or be that somebody you just wanted EVERY SINGLE BEING YOU KNOW to pay attention to. all anyone is anymore is fucking optimistic. there's just not enough pessimists out there! and i need one to talk to me and i need one to leave with me and i need one to not be so god damn happy all the time. i'll admit, i love falling into happy trances, but sometimes, you just need a break. you just need to refresh with someone completely different from what you expected. and i'm sick of everything looking happy. take a little color and splatter it somewhere you never would like on someone's brand new white t-shirt. PERMANENT PAINT. you're not so optimistic now, are you? because all your wine is spilled all over your new ripped jeans from H0||i$73R. and that wine you'll remember forever and give to goodwill so you can give it to a pessimist and you swore and promised yourself you wouldnt even touch a pessimist because you're the biggest optimist around and i'm saying the same words but i mean them god dammit and i want you to hear them, and i want you to hear me out. optimism isn't FUCKING everything, okay? it's just not and this is how i feel. and no one will listen to me rant in real life about how i want to be un happy once in a while. if i don't talk something is wrong with me, if i talk i'm weird. if i'm not happy, i'm a pessimist and if i'm not HEY LET'S GO PICK GARDEN TODAY! optimistic there's something wrong with me. SO WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE JUST CONTROL ME. GET A FUCKING T.V. REMOTE AND SET ME TO WHATEVER MOOD YOU WANT ME TO BE IN. and i can gaurentee i'll go right back to this. and i'll rant and rant until your eyes can't fucking take it anymore. I'M GIVING UP AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS ANYMORE. LET'S BE UN HAPPY! PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE.

i'm here, and youre there. and we're everywhere. i'm glad everyone is enjoying their life, and i'm glad i'm sitting down here being anti social. but i'm fucking tired of trying to bend backwards just to see you clearer. it's hurting me, and it's hurting you. i can honestly say, yes, i DO hate you. i hate everything about you. and i hate the way you walk. and i hate the way you open your mouth, and i hate the way you run. and i just hate you. i hate your essence of perfume, and i hate your presence of annoying, loud, obnoxious words that you don't even know. you trip over everything you say, and you rephrase things just so they can sounds nicer. but in reality, they're just comments that you didn't even need to shoot towards me. i'm sick of you trying, and i'm sick of me caring. i'm sick of everything, lately. especially you. especially this fucking room, and this family, and my face. and my body. and everything that has to do with me and you. i can't stand it, and i can't stand sitting here. i want to go somewhere. ANYWHERE. JUST SOMEONE PLEASE FUCKING SPEAK UP BECAUSE I NEED TO LEAVE AND I NEED TO LIVE ALL AT THE SAME TIME. GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE. LET'S JUST GO AND NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING. LET'S RUN UNTIL OUR LEGS HURT, AND OUR HEARTS CAN'T PUMP BLOOD FAST ENOUGH! I'M NOT A COWARD, AND I'M NO LONGER AFRAID AND I FUCKING MEAN IT THIS TIME. i know i've lied a million times. BUT I'M STOPPING. i only speak the fucking truth. I'M SERIOUS THIS TIME, I'M GETTING AWAY. ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

AND YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

i'm having a good time..

sticking my head out of the window and enjoying the fresh air the world gives off sometimes.
and i think i'm beginning to like pittsburgh more and more everyday.
even though it's filled with dark quiet bus stops at 10:00 at night that i just so happen to have a mental breakdown at. with a cigarette lit up in my hand, and tears running down my face.
somehow, i felt more safe than sorry. even though i was really really scared. i loved every minute of it. because for once, i wasn't secured by anyone. no one was there to take me away. and no one was there to stop me from being scared. i had to rely on myself for once, and it worked. i calmed myself down, and i loved every single minute of it. i get scared way too easily, and i need to face my fears every once in a while. and i just wanted to say, that i love pittsburgh.

123TEN.

things are going so quick. and things are so sudden, ALL OF A SUDDEN.
things are shooting in the air, and they're making the noise before they even shoot off!
i wish i could quit blinking, and actually notice the things that are happening for once.
i wish i could change some things.
MY CLOCK HANDLES KEEP SPINNING AND SPINNING, AND I'M NOT LIVING IN THE MOMENT.
i never fucking do anymore!
THINGS
PASSED ME UP
TOO FUCKING FAST.
and now, i have no clue what's happening!
I'M SCARED.
I'M NERVOUS.
I'M ANXIOUS.
AND I'M GOING TO HURL.
i don't know what's happening.
and i don't know what's GOING to happen.
and i'm not going to ask for help this time, this is my life.
and none of you are going to help me.
NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU...

EDIT: people also, keep stealing my words. and i'm getting sick of it.

i can't hear anything

because i'm muted and i'm bold.
i'm too fearless of being forgotten, and i'm just the same as everyone else.
and i'm only hear to breath, and i'm only breathing to walk, and we're all here just to die.
i've explained this countless times before, but let me explain myself a thousand and ONE more times.
i'm happier than a daisy on a fucking sunny day.
we all belong somewhere in this world, and i belong right in this spot where my shoes are tied to the top of the van.
the wind is soaring through my hair, and it's tickling my ears. and i can't believe i'm becoming what i am, and i can't believe i really honestly don't care for once.
its time to forget your phone, because you won't get service here.
you won't get anything from where we're walking to.
yes, you caught me, i want to take you with me.
wherever i go, i want YOU there.
and NOBODY else.
you may call me gay, stupid, retarded for this blog.
and you may think i'm kidding.
and you might think im just a little bit too afraid to do what i'm saying.
but i've grown up.
i've grown up a lot, and i actually don't care.
DO YOU?

stop trying to step on my shoes while im trying to dance, and stop trying to rip my favorite shirt off my back, and stop trying to use this napkin to wipe off the sticky kool aid on my face.
maybe i want to live like this, have you ever thought of that? this is where i fucking belong, in this life that i've been totally misleading to not be like yours.
i've been trying and trying and trying so hard to not be like you, and all my hard work is FINALLLLLLY paying off, and it feels SO good.
i feel so motivated, and relaxed.
and there's absolutely
NOTHING
you can do
to stop me.
how do you feel?

fresher than before.

this is a fresh start. this isn't the end, this is just the beginning.
for me, its just another day. i'm a little intimidated but, i'll manage.
i'll kill off my tendencies of being a nobody, and i'll kill off all of my annoying habits of mine.
just to show you that i've changed, and i've never felt better. i've changed, and i love the way i have. actually, no, i won't.
i won't kill off my annoying habits, because i don't need to change anymore than i already have.
i'll walk through everyday just the same, because i know that nobody really enjoys me.
and i'm actually, okay with that.
i used to think i would be scared, but you've really helped me grow from a little twig that's now a full live tree, taller than a skyscraper.
its just another fresh start like ice cubes in an ice tray.
I'M A LITTLE INTIMIDATED, BUT I'LL MANAGE. i'll feel rejuvanated and, i'll just repeat i guess.
honestly, i don't know what i'll do. i can't pretend that i'm just this strong girl waiting to take on the world by myself with no sturdy backbone.
because well, i absolutely no way in hell, can. by myself.
so i'm all by myself, with no one to help, and you know what.
i think it's time to get over myself.
it's time to stop relying on other people to heal my spine, and staple it back together.
because my arms are long enough, that i can do that myself.
i think it's time to just, see what happens, and what path i choose to go down.
and i think it's time to see if you notice.
shock.

thanks, thanks a lot.
i'm gone.

asleep.

listening to this almost blasting music, it vibrates my tummy.
the laptop its blasting from has a shape of a bubble the music comes out of.
and it forms around my head.
my eyes slowly shut, and finally i fall into the idea asleep.
i'm still awake inside, but my body is tired.
i can still hear the bass, and i can still hear the pianos.
it amplifies the room, and it amplifies my ears.
my head droops to the side, and im finally asleep.
my arms and my legs twitch, until i fall into the deepest sleep from the music.
my hand moves to the back of my pillow.
the pillowcase feels like snow on the ground with the cold pavement against your cheek.
i dream about how my bed is a cloud, or how i'm a cloud.
i could float in any direction, and i can rain on the people i greatly dislike.
i can rain on those that try to mislead me, but realize they've failed at that, and they've failed as a human being.
i can thunder on whoever wants to put holes in my umbrella.
in my dream, i can tell whoever to shut up, or whoever that i want them dead.
there's no consequences, and no, i'm not a famous author.
but i sure know how to write about my dreams.
in this dream, there's no fat or skinny.
there's one size.
and anyone can come and steal the hoodie that's keeping me dry.
its not too hot, its not too cold.
i twitch some more,
and i turn over.
i take a deep breath.
and my eyes open slowly to the light blinding me from the window.
i rub the sleep out of my eyes, and recap my perfect dream.
and that's when i wake.

change the lightbulb!

i have a ball and chain attached to me, and i don't recognize this feeling at all.
my intestines are churning, and choking my bladder.
until my eyes yet again, pop out of my head.
i know that i'm under this roof for another 3 years.
and that's what makes me angry.
i don't want to be, because im going to boil over like the kettle of tea that sits on the blistering hot burner.
i'm hissing to get out, and i get louder and louder by the second.
if you touch the bass of me, i'll burn your fingers right off.
i feel like i'm welded to my bed, im taped there forever.
i can't escape even though there's an open door with trees, and sunshine right in front of me.
im trying to make a fist, but there's an invisible ball stopping me.
its you.
its all your fault.
i don't blame myself, the earth, or anyone else.
I FUCKING BLAME YOU.
okay?

sometimes we remember

and if we could take the time to hear all these instruments, all these sounds surrounding us. all these hymns and all these glorified lyrics. all the ooh's and all the yeah's within our favorite songs. all the little kid chorus' all the people joining in and singing at the top of their lungs. the sound of the wooden stick beating against the hollow sounding drum. the sound of the singers voice in the microphone, castrating out insides, and outsides. to fill up a big yellow bucket with. so we can all be blood brother's and sisters. just listen to the violin over the speakers, and turn your volume up to max. and watch the sound waves exit the amp, and feel alive. listen to the lyrics that fit you, and what you go through everyday. let the guitar explain you, and the drums define you as a person. the sound of the amazing person's fingers tapping over the piano keys. in the most amazing and magnificent rythm your ears have ever heard before. your brain vibrates against your skull, and the sounds go through your veins like running water, and then they turn into colors. they clump up in your wrists. they turn into sand. so when you have a really bad day, and you hear a really sad song, and it gets you in the mood to cut, colorful sand will pour out of your veins. and your eyes will be filled up with endless colors. and your skin will turn thicker than your own blood. thicker than that sand that came pouring out like the waterfall you sit in front of, all alone, with no one sitting next to. you want to be the scribble to that someone's first coloring book, and you want to be the color inside of the person's gray world. but you know youre not good enough. so when you know that colorful sand will come pouring out on that depressing day, just know you'll cut yourself with a popsicle stick, and smile at the fact that the bass in the drums, and the fingers on the piano keys, and the finger tapping on the guitar strings, will make it all okay, and all you'll be able to do is smile. because you know the world, is just fine. it's all just fine.

what is it?

is it the fact that i lost my voice? forgive me and put up with me. walking in the grass i don't know what exists anymore. lets have a fist fight, and see who crumbles under pressure first. there's a flaw on your face, but i'm not saying a word. i can't hear your beautiful voice over this blasting guitar, but my bracelet broke in half while you were nearly screaming. my eyes closed shut, and i'm tied up in this red chair with mr. stink stickers all over it. i have crayons jammed down my throat, but i'm not gagging. it feels good to have color within me. they're inching down my esophogus, like a worm. inch my inch, and meter by meter. they're inside me. and they're never coming back out. they're in there forever. they're stuck to all the gum i swallowed over the years, they're stuck to all the paint i peeled off my fingernails once. the purple, the blue, and the orange all alined. this plastic wrapper sounding noise frightens me over the phone, can you tell i'm crying? can you tell my eye liner is running down my cheeks? and can you tell i'm choking on every word that escapes my lying mouth. i'm tripping over my phrases, and jumping over every single word you say. it's the biggest obstacle i've ever had to handle. i don't know what words mean to me anymore. i say them three or more times, and they automatically lose their meaning as quick as they run through my trail of memories in my pink, mushy, twisted brain. this cut on my cheek has been rusted over with all the saying and words you've been shouting. the band aid fell down the drain, and so did my choker. it slithered like a snake that day i took a shower. there's a marker chasing me, and its cherry, blood, red. do you know what this means? because well, i can only scream so much.

razor blades and ice cream

put the shirt of guilt on your shoulders, this is a million pounds.
take it off now, and feel as light as feather.
break the never ending necklace of memories dangling around your neck.
attach daisies to your eyes, and breath flowers.
the beads burst in every possible direction, and so do you.
your pupils dilate in rage and anger. i told you i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i'm not the fucking person i was before.
i'm sorry you forced my fragile skeleton onto the pavement.
my skin tears and so do my muscles.
my eye brow raises at the fact of me gaining knowledge off of this whole thing.
my eyes widen to the fact that i'm now a wiser person.
all because
of you.

don't tell me that i'm ordinary.

turn this door knob, to the left and now to the right. twist your lips in a shape i don't understand. believe you hold the key to my heart, you don't, and you never will. i'm scared, and i'm in this revolving, shaking, cold, world alone, and forgotten. don't let this stop. we're on a roll, we've been on a roll, but we're slowing down at different speeds. all i can think of is looking at the night sky, hearing whistles soar through the air, hearing and seeing US soar through the air. one day that'll happen. you never believe me anymore, because well. you hate me. i don't know when this is coming, i don't know where it's coming from, and it's unpredictable as ever. i miss you, i love you. but i've lost you, and you've forgotten me obviously. i want to scream where no one can hear me. scream at the top of my lungs, feel them tighten, and feel my throat bleed. i want to open my mouth as wide as i fucking can and scream until my heart gives out and tells me to stop. WHERE AM I GOING WHEN I DIE?! it seems i don't know where i lay when i sleep. and it seems i need to get my frustration out. start up the car, and drive to the nearest mountain that has a wooden sign that'll give me splinters. I FUCKING MISS YOU! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. this has all turned out horribly, but i still want you in my life. you're walking out, and i'm
WALKING IN.

the feeling of smells.

the core of the earth is shaking, and its making my body crumble.
1
2
3
piece my piece.
let's start something new.
the feeling of summer is running through my, small, tiny, blue veins.
pumping and pumping i can feel my pulse rising through the sky.
jolly ranchers and green popsicles start out our summer,
and i'm in love with you.
these foul memories slow down through my brain,
as opposed to the bike they used to speed on.
these trail of thoughts give me the feeling of envy.
give me everything.
i have the fucking power.
i can feel the smells traveling at light speed through every limb of my body.
shocking every artery i posses.
paint me a FUCKING picture with your feelings.
even if they're not pretty.
they can be ugly, disgusting, feelings.
it would still be a masterpiece.
this tree is green, and fog creeps at the base of it.
im sitting on a bench wondering when the sun will poke through the clouds.
any second now.
i squint, its so beautiful and bright.
can you come with me and take me away to feel the feeling of smells?

never leave me alone.

imagine yourself on a chalkboard, with an eraser, someone erasing you part my part, and piece my piece.
an eye for an eye, and an arm for an arm.
a leg for a leg, and a heart for a heart.
here's to a good summer i could never forget.
follow me down this winding road we call memory lane.
aimlessly wondering, on black tops, gravel, poison ivy, or glass.
we'll all walk barefoot, and our toes will crunch on top of the glass.
painful looks over all of our faces, do you need me?
why did i leave you behind, ever?
these are going to be the best days of our lives,
i don't WANT to forget you, i don't WANT to leave you all alone on this dirt trail.
FOLLOW ME.
i love you so much.
please don't fail me now.

screechesandscratches

wake me up with the stinkiest breath, take me somewhere new and let me live in your arms.
let me breath the heaviest i've ever breathed before, and make me blink more than average.
i'm not the normal human you think i am, look up to me, look into my orange eyes, and tell me that the world will never blow up into a million pieces. make me proud to be alive, and let me live a million times more than i have. just a second longer, take me on a roller coaster ride that will take our breath away, make our stomach's feel like they're floating to our brain, and let us throw up magic. i'm holding onto you, and you're not letting go. send a hot pink shock through my toes that enters my legs and gets stuck in my femur. it'll make my legs shake, and my knee's vibrate. with wide eyes, i'll look at you in the most imperfect way you've ever been looked at. can i show you what life feels like? reality hasn't set into my head yet, and it hasn't set into your heart. these strip malls filled with cancer make me the happiest i've ever been. i've been arching back to just be able to kiss you upside down. i just wanted to say that i'm not the girl you wanted me to be. i'm not the girl i once was, and i never will be again. i'll be thinking like this forever, writing free concious forever, and i'll be laughing and sneezing forever. im a fork in the road that no one can ever remove. i'm the piece of yellow gum on the sidewalk people step on, i stick, and go everywhere with them. no matter where it is, to london, to france, to someone's underpants. i'm addicted to the way i feel, i'm addicted to the way my life is going, and i'm addicted to every poisonous thought that runs through my trail of childhood memories i once lived. i hear the sweetest sound of the swings screeching, with dirty butts and popsicles. there were ants crawling all over us. tickling each of my miniature hairs on my fingers. you're amazing. you saved me when i was nothing, you looked at me at my worse, and you loved me for who i was. capri suns were our lifestyle, and hide and seek was our cult. this bass enters my veins, and vibrates and shakes every single bone in my arm. i can feel the drums along with our beating hearts together. at the same pace, at the same instance, at the same moment. i'll never be a liar, but you'll always be my friend. i'm shining this white blinding light in your eyes, and all you can say is "i need more shade to these sunglasses." where did i go wrong? where did you go? i want to leave, leave everything behind. i'll scribble on your brain, and you'll scratch mine with a fountain pen. leave it up to me, and i'll leave my life up to you.

can i orgasm on this blog right now?
cause my life is amazing.

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHO ARE YOU ANYMORE?!
you've changed so much, it makes me nauseous.
i can't stand your presence in this cornered room.
you're starting to become like him.
the person inside me that unleashes every single time i'm angry.
you're the person who sprinkles cancer into my cereal in the morning.
YOU'RE the one who takes all the energy out of me.
YOU ARE THE FUCKING ONE WHO RAINS ON MY PARADE.
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GOT ME AWAY FROM HIM
BUT YOU'RE BRINGING HIM BACK.
YOU'RE HIS SOUL.
i fucking hate you.
i can't stand you ANYMORE.
i'm not going to miss this place when i drive off in a van with my college friends.
i won't ever EVER FUCKING APOLOGIZE FOR THIS BLOG.
you've unleashed the beast that you can't cage up with your stupid nonsense idiotic rules.
you make my mind this poisonous place that makes me feel like plastic is over my mouth.
call me fucking crazy but, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO GET A GUN AND JUST END YOU.
END THIS.

i can't say this enough.
i despise what you have become.
and i despise what person you've made me become.

i'm living YOUR dream life that you never had.
you had people who didn't care about you either.
and
I'M NOT SORRY.
you fucking deserve it.

you're a walking, talking, NORMAL, human.
and that's the last thing i want to become.
you're making me walk into a ditch that's too deep for me to get out,
and too black for me to see out of.

i wanna escape your fucking yelling and just free fall out of a window.
with my hands by my side so there's no POSSIBLE way you can save me.
i DON'T EVER want to have to do this again.

how does it feel to read this?

athazagoraphobia!

fear of being forgotten or ignored or forgetting.

so, i keep having dreams, well, nightmares.
that i'm invisible/forgotten.

DREAM:
i woke up one morning, and went upstairs like every other day. i had waffles, everything was normal. i look across the table, only to see my mom with this big scared stare in her eyes. while i'm just sitting there like, ? am i missing something? but no, it turns out, pyshically, my body WAS NOT there. i was invisible. my food was just splattering on the chair, just floating down and invisible tube (my esophagus), and just splattering all over the chair. she got a rag to clean it up.
i carried my plate to the sink, and this is what scared me. the plate was floating because I WAS FUCKING INVISIBLE! she started to freak out and then she locked herself in her room, scared as hell to come back out only to see that there were random objects floating in the air. not knowing it was me.

am i invisible?
am i forgotten?
will anyone ever forget me?

or.
am i missing something?

i'm clueless.
i don't know what's going on.
and this dream, changed my life.
i'm gonna look at things differently now.
and try my best not to be one of the ones who are forgotten.
so someone come talk to me.

and remember me
for the rest
of your
LIFE.

i love you.

i dropped everything

just to have you despise me, just to have you erase our memories together.
and i've finally got it.
and it feels good to say that all i really want for you is to have the biggest mountain fall on you, and crumble like a piece of cake onto your shoulders.
i want to show you what it feels like to laugh without smiling, and i want you to see how a smile feels like without laughing about every single thing.
i'm cleaning up this mess that you made.
it's your turn to get the mop and broom, and clean up after yourself for once.
so let's go.
scream at me for doing this.
because well, i have no use for you anywhere in my life again.
you're too far away for me to care.
i don't know who you are.
i don't know who i am anymore.
everyday i'm a different person, but i like it that way.
and you'll just have to learn to deal with it.
i know why you can't talk to me anymore.
it's all your fault.
you wanted this.

AND BABY YOU GOT IT.

loitter next to me.

stand next to me.
laugh with me.
talk on the phone with me until the morning.
smile with me all the time.
because im not tired, or sad anymore.
checkmark my happy days.
and scribble my angry days.
color in my grey days.

because well, i just dont care anymore. (:

its late nights like those...
that make me the saddest.

but it's mornings like these...
that make me the happiest.
(:

"can i get two scratches for my homeboy jesus?"

im choking on these beads, and no one is helping me survive.
people are paper cutting me with this deck of cards, but no one is giving me a band aid.
these fools are screaming in my ears, and no one will get me a fucking hearing aid.
we're playing bloody knuckles, and my blood is dripping everywhere.
it's thick, red, and you can see my over sized blood cells.
noise is everything, but you don't need it.
we can turn off the noise anytime we want.
people don't realize how nice silence is, they just never want to hear it.
people never notice the SIMPLE things in life, but i notice them everyday.
they make me want to wake up the morning.
everything i love is simplistic.
and colorific.
and fantabulous, and i love it.

so while i'm choking on these beads
getting paper cuts with a deck of cards
while people are screaming in my ears.

just remember that i enjoy it.
and i'm only being the simplistic girl that walks down the street,
walks when there's a stop sign, and goes when there's a red light.

just know that i'll only speed up, and never slow down.
i'll never fall below this level.
i've exceeded completely, and no one is stopping me now.

stop trying to...

FUCKING MOLD ME!
im not gonna mold.
im gonna fall out of the shape you want me to be and be a splatter of paint on someone's ripped jeans.
i hate this life that i've been living here.
its like supposed to be a home away from home.
but its more like hell on earth away from living hell.
i hate it.
i dont care about your stupid discipline reports telling my parents i was smoking.
do it all you want.
criticize the way i think even more, because i'll have my headphones BLASTING.
THE WAY I THINK DOESN'T FIT YOUR TYPE OF SCHOOL!
i get it!
so why the fuck am i here?
i'll tell you why, cause you're all walking douche bags.

EDIT; EMERGENCY EXIT!

its a funny thing, that no one thinks about.
but everything DOES happen for a reason in this place.
the meet
the greet
the lies
the cheats
the kisses
the fights
the battles
the losses
the deaths
the destruction
the messes
the break ups
the tears
the blood
the abusement.
EVERYTHING happens for a fucking reason.

JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE EMERGENCY EXIT.
because well, we're not quit done yet...

pages filled with ink

i want it to rain the hardest its ever rained just because all i feel like doing is listening to the perfect sound it makes against the metal onnings above the windows. i kind of want to sit on my porch and read a really good book that i never thought i would read because i thought the cover was ugly. i'm always the type of person that judges a book by its cover, and if the person/the book doesn't look like i would talk to them, i never actually will, unless they come up to me. i don't get it sometimes. i WANT to read, but i can never finish a book to save my life. i dont think i need a couneslour, but why can everyone else read but me? reading has like, seriously taken over the world. all you hear is shit like, "HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE?" or "HAVE YOU READ THAT BOOK?" and im always the one in the corner like, "no." i feel so stupid, and i feel like an alien sometimes. it's really stupid, but i need fucking help. I NEED TO READ A BOOK.

SOMEONE HELP ME!

freedom at last

i've FINALLY done my time.
and i can't tell any of you how glad i am now that that's all behind me.
i still have the punishment.
but im just glad i can stay downtown and be dirty with people i'm in love with.
i'm so happy that i'm not stupid anymore, and i finally realize what purpose i serve.
it's such a good feeling.

i can't even express the joy i'm feeling.
it's like, a milkshake just entered my veins,
i'm feeling the chills of being happy.
im feeling the colors of the sprinkles.
it's pickling my insides with smiley's.

and it's making my skin tight and happy.
i can finally smile again.
and it feels
SO
GOOD.

eternity.

is lost.
eternity is the blue thats in the sky,
the taste our coffee is in the morning,
the razor blade that cuts our skin.
eternity is the outlet i plug my lava lamp into.
its the eraser i use at the end of my chewed pencil.
its the never ending bliss of love.

eternity is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.
its your most favoritest color.
its the taste of lips of the person you never want to stop kissing.
its your favorite candy.

eternity is a secret.
whisper it to your friends tomorrow.

it can be anything.
and i've found it. (:

lets live again

i wanna fuck around in the stupidest city of the world with some nonsense people that aren't even funny. i want to feel a feeling throughout my whole body that i've never felt before. all i want to see is my nose, and my bangs, because this shit is from MY prospective. things should be different when i feel this feeling. it needs to be OUT OF THIS WORLD. but i know it wont be. i need to lay in musty grass with an umbrella when it's not raining. i need to have a conversation that starts out in the a.m and ends in the p.m. do you know who you are? cause if you do come say hi. i hope it rains hard enough that i have to take my hoodie off from the lack of energy i have to carry it on my back because it's so drenched with douche bag mother nature. i want it to hail so hard, that it puts a permanant hole in my head. i want there to be a someone who walks in on me while im peeing in a public restroom. i want to look for someone, but i dont know what they look like. i want to be surrounded with thousands of people that aren't even looking at me, but i want just that one person to kidnap me, so i can fall in love with him. i want a preview of his face. but when he kidnaps me, i want him to have a bag over his head. i want him to be the most vibrant, crazy, psycho stranger in the history of strangers. i'm gonna stop being scared of what's gonna happen next, im gonna stop being so afraid of what people say to me and what tone they say it, im gonna stop being this huge pushover that i am, just so i can meet this one person that i've been dreaming about. i don't know who it is, and i don't know where they are, and I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE ALIVE OR ALIVE YET. i can't look at some fucked up off white photograph and tell you 'thats the person i've been dreaming of.' because well, i don't know who they are yet.

standing on T.V's

the time is going so slow.
boxes are full and so is my tummy.
plastic bags for picking up littler clutter the room.
paper is shredding in the background.
pink lipstick on my pillowcase, half on my face.
paper cuts cover my hands.
baskets full of dirty pants.
hoodies are damp from the rain, and so is my hair.
how can people miss this?
how can YOU miss this?

we're all living just to breath.
we're all breathing just to live.
we're all blinking so we can miss an awkward silence.

and we're all walking because we're nervous.
can you keep up?
are you ahead, or just a corpse straggling behind?
can you laugh without smiling?
can you kiss without your lipstick?

can we survive?
only time will tell.

bikes.

let's ride our bikes to somewhere worth going.
we will find our way, i promise.
there's beauty all around us, and the clouds will guide us.
it'll be our path.

there's beauty in this land,
it surrounds us.
pedal faster!
get away!
FASTER
FASTER

they're behind us for the rest of our lives.
let's ride our bikes to Australia.
and yes, over the seas too.
we only have $5.

but we have more than a hobo.
it'll get us through.
we can survive off of hoho's and zebracakes.
we can get energy off of each other's smiles.
because yours makes me wanna live forever.

dazzle me,
and i'll be sure to amaze you.

BELIEVE!

i believe in the color orange.
i believe in stingy paper cuts,
i believe in cute boys.
i believe laughter is the best calorie burner.
i believe in glowing.
i believe in kissing, kissing a lot.
i believe that happy people are the prettiest.
i believe in being strong when everything else
seems wrong.
i believe in cuddling.
i believe in patched quilts.
i believe in freezpops.
i believe that tomorrow is a new day.
and i believe in miracles.

give me a paper cut.

i feel like i don't belong.
i feel un-invited.
i have the fragile bones of a fetus, and a mind of a rainbow.

all for one and one for all.

do i know you?

i have all the symptoms of a human being.
i talk,
i giggle,
i sneeze and i weeze.

if its just for a little while.
i don't care, i want to experience something different.
something where i'm not a human being.

even if it only takes a couple of deep breaths to transform into some walking creature no one has ever seen in their life before, i'll do it.
i won't be a normal, walking, blinking, obnoxious human anymore.

i'll be slimy, orange, and green.
i won't blink, i'll never blink.
i won't miss a thing.

i won't have ears.
and my brain will be in a glass bubble.
show cased to whomever has the guts to come up and hold a silly conversation.

camera's will be pointed at my face, and i'll smile with my pink, fuzzy teeth.
someone will publish me in a newspaper, or a comic book.
i'll be tomorrow's next big thing.
and next years fashionable trend.

i'll go in style,
and come out of style just as fast.

everyone would be my friend.
just because i wasn't ordinary.
i wouldn't be someone who walked the same old street everyday.
i would walk the same dirt road, i would just walk down it a different color.

what would happen if you weren't human for a full 24 hours?

LET'S
EXPERIMENT.

bees are buzzing!

over and under my head
vibrating my skull until it tickles my brain.

i don't know how to think of this with my brain so ticklish.
my head is pickled with guilty thoughts,
drench me in water until i turn the pruniest i've ever been.

a shock enters my eyes,
it fluctuates countless times before it reaches my fingers.

it then, enters my fingernails,
and now it looks like a thunderstorm in my fingers.

how can i possibly apologize?
with all these things happening to me.
you make me feel so guilty.

nothing is tasty anymore.
except for the ink that's pouring out of my eyes.

we have the ability to do anything.
we have the power to raise hell on earth.
we have every right to scream out anything we want to.

loose lips may sink ships.
but not mine.
nor yours.

you won't let it.
and that's what i love about you.
you won't let anything get in your way, or fuck you up,
or call you a failure.

i agree.
more than i've ever agree'd before.

is there a power button to life?
because if there is, mine is rusted

and it wont
ever
turn
back
on...

phone jacks!

my fingers are on fire right now.
im looking out this window and i see the stupid clouds in this stupid corporate building.
excel is minimized on my screen, and i don't want to be here.
i dont want to be dressed like a business woman anymore.
i wish you would just let me go live where i want to and be done with it.
you're not gonna care what happens to me, as long as i dont live under your roof, you're okay.
you have a perfect life, with this un-perfect stranger who tries to be my dad, but fails miserably.
i haven't lived with him since i was 12, and i think i need to experiment a little.
BUT
YOU
KEEP
FUCKING
HOLDING
ME
BACK!
and i'm sick of it!
who cares how long i'll live there.
you won't and i certainly won't.
he's not my fucking father okay?
so stop trying to act like he is!

again, i can't say this enough, but you honestly think i'm going to live by your rules.
everyone thinks i do but i don't.
im gonna rebel, and you'll see one day, i'll move out before these 4 years are up.
because i can canive you to do it.
but i'm not so sure about him.

it's like, you share a fucking brain.
YOU'RE BRAIN WASHED!

you're not the same person you used to be
you're not the same person you used to be
YOU'RE NOT THE SAME PERSON YOU USED TO BE!

snap out of it already!

because, let me tell you. . .
if you don't do it

I WILL!

pick up the pieces. . .

to my puzzle, everyone.
because i don't think anyone could put me together correctly,
in the right order.
they can't smooth my edges, they're jagged just like the edges that surround my body.
no one can influence me to change my ways.
no one can ever tell me what to do with the picture i make when someone puts me together.
it can be in color, black and white, or even bright as the sun.
because all i want to do is blind you.
i want to make your eyes hurt from looking at me,
i want to be the worlds luckiest contestant in a staring contest,
and i want to be the winner.
you can do anything you want to me,
because this puzzle is a canvas.
you can splatter on me,
rip me,
spit on me,
stomp on me,
throw mud on me,
or even throw up apple juice on me.
but whatever you do, i can take it. . .
i can take all you can give.
i can be dressed,
or naked.
you can dress me in fishnets,
or my bare naked legs.
because i won't walk anywhere.
you're dressing me for no reason.
cover me in a blanket,
because you have to wait 6 months for this paint to dry.
pick up my pieces,
because this puzzle is. . .
impossible.

i live for these moments

i live for the moments where i'm totally clueless and don't know what to do.
i live for the moments where i can't speak because i don't know what to say, or i can't walk the same way because something recently stupid happened to me.
i live for the moments where my brain just freezes up like an igloo and my memories and my senses just freeze along with it, and i can't feel anything.
i live for the moments where i'm drawing or coloring something, and i don't even have to think about what im adding to the picture, and i don't realize it until its complete.
i live for the moments where all i can think about is eating ice cream and popsicles at the end of the day, and how i'm gonna sneak online tonight.
i live for the moments where i lie straight to my mom's face, and she doesn't even see it in my eyes.
i live for the moments where you go to a loud show, and you have the amps in your ears, and the music speeding through your veins,
where you see stupid people moshing with their arms flying everywhere.
i live for the moments to laugh so hard i can't think or move or do anything except collapse in front of someone's house on a sidewalk because some girl had a tazer gun pointed to her head.
i live for the moments where i immideatley wake up because i'm laughing about a silly dream i just had.
i live for these moments, and i love how they're my life.

sharp

there's speakers in my ears, and there's monitors glaring at my face.
there's a tower next to me, and the smell of the air smells like waffles.
there's a printer sitting next to me, with no paper in it.
there's an internet box waiting for me to hit for the internet going out.
the paper is breathing, and i'm not high.
the walls are covered in tanish carpet,
i have people on the other end screaming for me to pick up, but i won't.
i have people leaning on me, and waiting for me to pick them up, but i won't.
i have people sitting on my shoulders all day, and i won't kick them off.
they have to fall on their own.
i have rocks in my sheets, and lollipops in my pillowcase,
throw up on my blanket, and ice cream in my shoes.
i don't know where this is going, i don't know how this started off,
and i have no possible clue how this gonna end.
these words are spilling out of my fingers like cheap glue.
the phone is ringing, but not fully.
its ringing in sections, i don't know how, but i'm not high.
so. . .
what am i?

bored extinction

when the human race goes extinct like the dinosaurs, what's going to happen?
we're going to be lifeless,
either on the ground, in a cave, in the river, or in a casket buried in the ground.
i know i've talked about death a lot, but i think about it way too much.
i thought about it last night, and i just looked at the sky the whole time without blinking
cause i was so shaken and scared.
i wonder how the world's gonna end.
i just realized, as of yesterday, how many people are here though.
how can something so little, or so humongous kill all of us at the same time?
there's probably gonna be a select few of like, a thousand people still living.
they're the lucky ones.
they're going to make babies,
their babies will grow,
then they'll make babies, and it just goes on
and on
and on.
just think about it, this world will never end.
atleast i don't think it will.
according to some people, the world will end in December of 2012.
and you know what i say. . .
FUCK THAT.

you're a liar

Stop screaming

I’m cringing in pain

Stop yelling

I’m covering my ears

Hold on tight

I’m slipping away

Beyond your grip

I’m sliding

Don’t let go

You are

I come to see you

You’re tripping out

I walk downstairs

Cocaine lined up on the table

Who are you?

I don’t want to share your blood

I don’t want to be your daughter

I don’t want to have you and me in a sentence together

I won’t have it

I just won’t

Not even piano music can show my pain for you

Blasting music

You listen to

Wasted on the couch

Yelling at me

Go ahead,

Tell me to go to hell

Tell me I was a mistake

Because you were one all along

This whole thing was a mistake

You don’t love me

You’re a filthy liar

You say you’re happy with her

You’re not

You hate her

You love her kids more than your own

I sit on the sidelines looking over at you

Saying you were once mine

It turns out I let you go

You didn’t let go

I chose to

I won’t come to your funeral when you die

I’ll be somewhere far away

No one will tell me

I’ll figure it out myself

It’ll be today’s good news, and tomorrow’s old news

You’re a liar

You’re a cheater

I won’t have it

I hate you

I despise how you treat me

With disrespect all the time

Why can’t you be happy for once?

You already are

You simply don’t have me anymore

I’m not yours

I hope you’re happy.

Because I am.

im crippled from exhaustion

im so tired and exhausted, i cant think of anything else.
my ears are tired from people talking in them all the time.
i can't think straight sometimes.
im trying to sleep, but there's no sheep to count.
the closet won't close, and there's a monster watching me.
my sheets feel like steel wool, and my blanket feels like metal.
i want to get out of this place.
my pillow just lets my head lay on it.
it doesn't fight back like people fight back to me.
i have the most un sturdy neck that's keeping my twisted mind high in the air.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what to say.
i don't know how to walk with such a crooked spine.
my shoes fall apart, and my clothes are tearing.
i don't know how to walk the same way.
how should i walk down the sidewalk without stepping on any glass?
my tongue hurts from biting it,
my mouth is full of blood. . .
but blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground.

i'm sorry.

green buttons and yellow candy

wouldn't it be cool if we could taste colors
see music
feel the rainbow
use our umbrellas for when it's raining sherbert ice cream?
wouldn't it be wonderful if there were shampoo bottles flying throught the air
apples in the bathtub
and people could fly?
woudn't it be dandy if we were all happy
everything wasn't so miserable and black and white
people could feel the colors around them
and not be allergic to the pollen in the flowers?
wouldn't it be nice if we could all wear our pants on our heads
our underwear on our faces
and our shirts on our feet?
wouldn't it be funny if we would all be laughing at the same exact thing
and laugh for about 15 minutes straight
wouldn't it be lovely if we could all just get along
forget about the past,
and start a new future?

black&white

is it not normal if you dream in black and white?
sometimes, i don't even know what normal is.
what is this normal that everyone has to live up to.
like, you're walking down the sidewalk, in the most public place you ever were,
and someone looks at you while you're acting like dicks with your friends
and they say to themselves, or whoever their with, "that's not normal"
what's this normal personna that we're all trying to live up to

i need a block quote here, and i don't know any normal quotes out there.

i hope someone out there can answer all these questions i just asked.
if they can, their not normal.

and i'm okay with that;

surrender

i just gained a little bit of freedom tonight, and even though i hung out with lame people...
i had a blast, the biggest one in a long ass time.
i just wish i would've shared with different people
people i know better,
and not some tall ass lankey guy that i didn't even know the name of
some guy named allen playing guitar hero with a keyboard
listening to rob zombie
smoking a doobie in the kitchen
with the fridge wide open
tripping over beer bottles,
as you step on one and it shatters into pieces,
people making out on the couch next to me
while i sit on a bean bag not knowing anyone,
not knowing where anyone i know is
is this really what it's gonna be like when i'm older?
cause if it is, i actually do want to live.
sometimes i don't because i don't think i'll ever get out of this thing im in at the moment,
but from this little ounce of freedom i just got..
not even on purpose.
on total accident,
then yeah, i want to live so i can sit there on someone's leather couch and make out until my mouth turns numb.
i want to wake up so stoned and drunk at 6 a.m. and hijack someone's car and not even know what im doing.
i hope my life is one big party when im older,
cause if it is,
im not digging my own grave as soon as i thought.

all the i love you's-all the memories

i want things to be the same also.
but i know that's NEVER going to happen.
i miss you so much, i can't even think straight.
i don't mean to be creepy sounding, but its true.
i remember all the times we were dick's in public,
i remember the time we went to cedar point,
i remember the time when we jumped into a baptismal hand in hand
the time where we made fun of a guy on a bus tripping out,
the time we were afraid to go into the locker room with people that hated us for being us,
whenever we were so excited to come to this school, and we're still making something good out of it.
i miss you, a whole lot.
they might grow to realize how close we are, and that what their doing isn't really affecting what we have at all, really.
i remember the time where i didn't even know anything about you, but i could tell we were going to grow on eachother, and still be best friends.
i don't know why you're afraid to admit things.
but i wish you wouldn't be.
i'm here to listen to whatever you need to say,
i have the biggest heart ever, and i'll care about everything that comes out of your mouth.
i'll try and do my best to back you up 100% of the way of whatever your doing along the way.
i'm here, and i love you.
and i LOVE admitting that.

the cord.

so here's the thing, i'm still in trouble, but i've been happier.
ive actually grown to like who i've become, even if i did get in trouble.
isn't that what im supposed to do?
throughout this whole thing, i've felt dead asking myself if i was still alive.
and the truth is, im alive as i ever will be as of right now
i actually did what i was saying in my other blogs
i lived up to them.
so its back to eating popsicles, smiling, and laughing all the time.
waking up, getting showers and doing my hair and getting dressed acting like i have somewhere to go.
talking to my friends, getting zebracakes downtown and spitting them everywhere.
its back to the same old teenaged life i'll lead forever.

-cause i'll carry on like this, and never get old.

woah.

i think a lot's changed since i was last on here.
when i was last on here, i was free-er than i actually thought i was.
i was bitching when i didn't need to be bitching.
i just wanted to have something to complain about.
this past break i got in a bit of a shit hole.
i shoplifted pepsi from giant eagle which wasn't that bad.
but it actually ruined my life.
i'm losing my best friend cause of my stupid ass parents.
and i dont want to.
i dont want it to be like this.
i want it to be like old times where i went over her house every day after school
and just had a blast.
i miss it.
i miss her.
i miss this whole entire thing.
the things that were normal before this all happened.
im gonna spend the rest of my life digging a hole, and living by this man's rules that i don't even like a little bit.
i have a fine to pay, $178 and i don't have one penny of it yet.
i have to work for him $7.00 an hour until "he feels its payed off."
what fucking bullshit
i cant stand any of this
at all
ANYMORE
its time to make a change in my life, and get out of this whole entire thing.
any plans?

IM SICK

my arms are tired from trying to talk to you. 'cause whenever i try to talk when im angry, i talk with my hands. WHY ARE YOU SO CARELESS? you cant expect me to sit under this roof all god damn break. i hate how you say you dont care you dont care you dont care. i heard it 20 times, i dont need to hear it 20 more. im not just writing this for my health, im writing this in hope that you'll stumble upon it on youre mac. that im not aloud on. SDKLFJSIOEJFOSEF! KILL ME. im getting so sick and tired of you ragging and nagging and yelling and screaming about absoloutley nothing. things you shouldnt even flip out over. everytime i ask you something, its like living world war 2 in 2008. i swear. im sorry im not the child you hoped for, not like i was planned or anything. so was i meant to be here? god, i hope not. im probably just another mistake in youre life, that you cant erase. you probably wish you could. I WISH I COULD.
who the hell am i kidding here? i dont have to impress anyone. noone in this god damn family is THAT important to me. i mean yeah, youre important sometimes, but at times like these, i wish i had an ocean to drown in. i live the same exact thing everyday, no computer, i listen to music, no music, i lay there, i dont lay there, i walk, i dont walk i sleep; wake up do the same shit again. if i do have a computer i sit on blogger and vent. IM SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING FUCKED UP! and im living life a safe ass mess.
THANKS TO YOU.

lets get INVISIBLE.

just for a sec. cause this life is passing me by. passing me up. running me over.
day after day, i just sit here in front of this machine and think it gives me something to do, when really i could be outside eating green freezepops and sipping capri suns with my friends.
i could be saying racial slurs in front of my best friends house, while people look out their doors.
everyone's mad at me. i dont know what i did. or what they did to get them mad at them, so that they could be mad at me. the only thing im doing thats exciting is sitting here typing on this blog, when i could really be going to play guitar hero. fuck. what am i saying? i need to not stare at a screen for like a day. maybe it'll make me realize how dumb im being, and why people are getting so mad at me lately. i want to be death free. cause im always going to someone's funeral. im going to my uncle bobby's this weekend. (i dont even know who uncle bobby is). see? im so clueless. noone's here to fill me in on anything. all you have to do is pretend im that little bubble on youre pssa's or something, and just fill me in with youre pencil. thats all im asking for. but you refuse to even do that. how lazy can you get? how lazy can i get? i kick and and i scream when you talk to me. but, you already knew that.

so im stuck..

here in school, thinking about my upcoming break.
and man, am i happy.
i keep on looking out the windows and seeing smoke coming out of this huge manhole.
is this really my life? why am i always here? i know its school, but i dont enjoy it.
so many other people like it, but why cant i?
this teacher is so annoying.
she just keeps talking and talking about these nonsense things that noone cares about.
im kind of just venting, so if you want to stop reading now, i understand.
finals are tomorrow, and wednesday, and im sooo not ready.
wow, im blogging in school, am i stupid?
this is so dirty. there's cocroaches here, and its making me uncomforatable.
(spell check). now, i have to pull up this stupid "document" that "we" worked on.
even though i didnt. hahaha.
wow, no college for me.
"class of 2011, no, class of 2000 never."
psh, gimme a break.

i think ill just stop,

talking so loudly, being such a pest, being a piece of furniture in youre weird life, stop eating so much, trying to be like everyone, being such a poser, not wanting to grow up, being in this muffed up family, eating greasy foods, eating so much ramen that it comes out of my nose, getting nasty ass popsicles, stop listening to music i pretend to like, talking to you.

happy fucking easter.

my easter is gonna be so beat its not even funny. im dead, literally, and im gonna get my asshole ripppppped out of my fucking body when i get home.
im am seriously in a world of shit. sooo,
i guess this is goodbye to blogger cause im never gonna get to write to you unless i do it in school.
and goodbye computer. and phone, and talking andd, t.v. for the rest of forever.
GOODBYE BREAK.
guys, im so dead. its not even funny.





wish me some fucking luck.

nonsense.

im growing up too fast. and i dont think im quit ready. i need to stop putting so much hard
returns in my writing. and plastic bags are just not my thing. city high is just not my thing.
what if we all went to a school that didnt drag us to become 'adults' if thats even the term
we should use in this situation. why cant we just go to a normal ass high school where teachers
blow off their students, dont give a fuck what you do and where you do it, dont give a shit what you learn, as long as you leave them alone, dont care what you say, and there's no such thing as workforce. i dont want to turn 15. i feel that if i do, ill feel different than now, and itll piss me off.
i feel that if i dont get a new internet connection im gonna rip my face off. i need to write about more things that dont make sense to anyone else. like, why we steal things and its a crime. like, OUR money isnt OUR money. you know what i mean? someone gave it to us from someone else before that from someone else before that from someone else before that, so, who's was it to begine with? how do they make money so valuable? its paper made in a factory. i dont think i get it. but then again, im stupid. im 14, and nothing is really happening. i got the shittiest school in the US, i have a best friend, and i eat my weight. sounds pretty, teenagery. in my other blogs i've been too real with you guys and havent actually introduced myself. i said things before thinking and now people know my life story. people dont know ME. they just know what has happened. i love thinking about when the boy i like is gonna come back. if he ever is. his friend said hes coming back this summer. but i dont think he is. i hate relying on liking someone. i feel so gross, and disgusting. i dont NEED anyone right now. all i need is me and im fine. litereally, i am. theres a blue light staring at me from the speakers, and i wanna play some music. but this world is so quiet, i love it. im not making any type of sense right now, because im tripping out on not sleeping for the past 24 hours. i eat chimmichongas, and hot pockets, and thats just who i am.

WANTED: TIME MACHINE.

someone, go to the drug store,
or hardware store and buy me materials for a time machine.
pllease.
i want to go back to the past so badly right now.
i want to relive when i was so careless.
i looked like shit, i didnt care.
noone cared.
i want to go back to smiling every second,
and blushing every five seconds.
being all preppy, and then switching to goth in a second.
my 'phase' of being a total weirdo.
being homeschooled.
throwing up.
drawing on a daily basis.
being here for you.
being afraid of the dark.
not wanting to stay here.
worrying about the house.
tossing and turning at night because it was too quiet.
having my own room.
i want to go back to looking at the sky and smiling.
i want to go back to my old music i havent listened to in six years.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO WHERE I WASNT HERE.
where would i be?
i need a god damn time machine people!
PRONTO.
seriously.
i want to go back to the fair,
with the ferris wheel,
not knowing anyone,
you flirting with other girls,
meeting people,
being jealous,
kissing.
thats all lost now.
i dont even remember half of it.
its like, blurred up now?
its so blurry, i cant see it without squinting.
i want to go back to eating junk food everyday and not worrying about getting fat.
i want to go back to the days where i didnt care what i was doing.
to the days where, i ate popsicles for a living.
the days where i was completely stressless.
back to the days where, i blasted my music, and neighbors would knock on the wall screaming.
back to the days where i was totally happy, and never miserable.
back to the days where i actually liked school.
liked my friends.
i only have on that understands me in this century.
noone understood me back then.
thats one flaw.
other than that,
lets go allll the way back to where we were all happy.
everyone do me a favor, and close youre eyes, and try to dream of time you would want to go back to.
and get back to me.
because i would love to hear.

i've been chasing.

and im finally caught up.
im the girl who i used to be.
i love everything.
i love everyone.
sept, there's this place that pops into my head sometimes when i dont love everything and everyone.
its called the dumbest place in the world in my head.
its a place where you want a blanket to cover you up from the monsters.
you want someone there for you when you need them the most,
but their not in arms reach.
or any reach at all.
its a place where, you have no preview of anything, or anyone.
you cant meet anyone there.
the trees never grow leaves.
no happy music,
no colors,
no rainbows,
no pretty people.
their all discolored, and mean.
like, almost in a horror movie, but in real life.
i sometimes have nightmares about this place when i have a bad day.
it always wakes me up in the middle of the night, or causes me not to sleep.
i dont know.
maybe i need some kind of help?
but, i've met people that have been in the same position.
like, in this "dumb place" theres nothing.
no birds chirping,
no sun,
no pretty flowers,
no water fountains,
its full of MAD.
like, okay,
for example, say that. . . the MEANEST kid you have bothering you, were to be in this "dumb place".
in this place, they would probably be 10 TIMES WORSE than they already are.
sometimes, when i feel unstoppable, and that i can do anything,
i get sort of like, high? on it. if that makes sense.
then, i do something totally stupid.
and i come to this place.
not stupid as in funny stupid though.
stupid as in like, what the fuck why the hell would you do that, stupid.
i dont know, maybe im crazy.
but, thinking of it. . .
doesnt this place sound like, the world?

slkdjfajko;s ejf;oij ewf.

there's clearly something living in my old house.
but youre too fucking lazy to go look for yourself.
get off youre ass and look.
THERE IS SOMEONE LIVING UP THERE I DONT KNOW.
lemme go get fucking raped.
i hope something would've happened to me.
so you would've felt like the dumbass you are.
youre so gay.
whats wrong with you?
go ahead and, "mark down what people want to do and what their told."
i clearly dont give a shit.
neither do you.
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ON HIS SIDE?!
hes got you brainwashed.
wtf?!
STOPPPPP BEFORE I GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A FORK.
slkdjfslkdjfsldf ksej oifjs.d .
im so sad for you.

perfection.

is there a point in youre life, where everything goes youre way?
is there a point in time where youre life is perfect for once?










cause right now, it is. (:

i finally lived it up.

pain.

pain is a weird thing to deal with.
some people like it.
some people can't stand it.
im the kind of person that can't stand it.
it can be handed to you in anyway you want.
mentally, or physically.
im the kind of person who gets it both ways.
mentally AND physically.
most people do, but, not like me.
i get mental pain all the time.
more like stress, but that has nothing to do with it.
the point im trying to make is;
kids our age shouldn't have to deal with mental pain.
the only pain WE should worry about is the physical kind.
the mental kind is for adults, grown ups, teachers, and parents.
so, please tell me why kids suffer both?
that's way too much for a kid like me to deal with.
i mean, im just a kid.
im in highschool, im ill equipped.
everyone is, not just me.
why cant we just never have pain?
is that such a horrid thing to ask for?
why cant we all just go out on the street,
and hug people we dont know,
fall on our faces and laugh at the pain?
why cant we sing out loud till our throats give out?
and laugh at the pain?
why cant we just all get along,
and not have to worry about the mental pain?
and just laugh with eachother?
laughing certainly isnt painful.
so, why dont we do it that often?
maybe there's a chance we'll stop this endless fight.
maybe there's not.
maybe everyone'll start overcoming all of sudden,
and not wanting to cause the world PAIN.
why are you we always gonna be at war?
too many people are in the hospital for the pain its caused them.
so why dont we stop?
why doesnt the government notice that AIDS was their fault?
cause they distributed it.
they caused many familys,
friends,
girlfriends,
parents,
kids,
PAIN.
why cant we all just play hopskotch and jump rope?
even if we fall down, we can help eachother up.
ill help you through youre pain. . .
can you help me through mine?

WILL YOU. . .

miss me when im gone?
talk about me behind my back?
make faces at me when i turn around?
love me no matter what?
kiss me in public?
hold my hand if something gets in our way?
buy me $20 ice cream?
paint my nails?
smile back at me?
buy me anything i want?
let me hang all over you?
buy me pipe cleaners?
do my math homework?
take me to a kick ass show?
stick up for me in a fight?
pick me up when i fall down?
give me help when i need it the most?
call me at 5 in the morning?
throw rocks at my window?
take care of me when i have the chickenpox?
kiss me on the cheek?
lay with me?
cuddle?
buy me a new pet?
LOVE ME AGAIN?!







figure out who this is about?
remember, that i dont know who this is about either?