surrender

i just gained a little bit of freedom tonight, and even though i hung out with lame people...
i had a blast, the biggest one in a long ass time.
i just wish i would've shared with different people
people i know better,
and not some tall ass lankey guy that i didn't even know the name of
some guy named allen playing guitar hero with a keyboard
listening to rob zombie
smoking a doobie in the kitchen
with the fridge wide open
tripping over beer bottles,
as you step on one and it shatters into pieces,
people making out on the couch next to me
while i sit on a bean bag not knowing anyone,
not knowing where anyone i know is
is this really what it's gonna be like when i'm older?
cause if it is, i actually do want to live.
sometimes i don't because i don't think i'll ever get out of this thing im in at the moment,
but from this little ounce of freedom i just got..
not even on purpose.
on total accident,
then yeah, i want to live so i can sit there on someone's leather couch and make out until my mouth turns numb.
i want to wake up so stoned and drunk at 6 a.m. and hijack someone's car and not even know what im doing.
i hope my life is one big party when im older,
cause if it is,
im not digging my own grave as soon as i thought.

all the i love you's-all the memories

i want things to be the same also.
but i know that's NEVER going to happen.
i miss you so much, i can't even think straight.
i don't mean to be creepy sounding, but its true.
i remember all the times we were dick's in public,
i remember the time we went to cedar point,
i remember the time when we jumped into a baptismal hand in hand
the time where we made fun of a guy on a bus tripping out,
the time we were afraid to go into the locker room with people that hated us for being us,
whenever we were so excited to come to this school, and we're still making something good out of it.
i miss you, a whole lot.
they might grow to realize how close we are, and that what their doing isn't really affecting what we have at all, really.
i remember the time where i didn't even know anything about you, but i could tell we were going to grow on eachother, and still be best friends.
i don't know why you're afraid to admit things.
but i wish you wouldn't be.
i'm here to listen to whatever you need to say,
i have the biggest heart ever, and i'll care about everything that comes out of your mouth.
i'll try and do my best to back you up 100% of the way of whatever your doing along the way.
i'm here, and i love you.
and i LOVE admitting that.

the cord.

so here's the thing, i'm still in trouble, but i've been happier.
ive actually grown to like who i've become, even if i did get in trouble.
isn't that what im supposed to do?
throughout this whole thing, i've felt dead asking myself if i was still alive.
and the truth is, im alive as i ever will be as of right now
i actually did what i was saying in my other blogs
i lived up to them.
so its back to eating popsicles, smiling, and laughing all the time.
waking up, getting showers and doing my hair and getting dressed acting like i have somewhere to go.
talking to my friends, getting zebracakes downtown and spitting them everywhere.
its back to the same old teenaged life i'll lead forever.

-cause i'll carry on like this, and never get old.

woah.

i think a lot's changed since i was last on here.
when i was last on here, i was free-er than i actually thought i was.
i was bitching when i didn't need to be bitching.
i just wanted to have something to complain about.
this past break i got in a bit of a shit hole.
i shoplifted pepsi from giant eagle which wasn't that bad.
but it actually ruined my life.
i'm losing my best friend cause of my stupid ass parents.
and i dont want to.
i dont want it to be like this.
i want it to be like old times where i went over her house every day after school
and just had a blast.
i miss it.
i miss her.
i miss this whole entire thing.
the things that were normal before this all happened.
im gonna spend the rest of my life digging a hole, and living by this man's rules that i don't even like a little bit.
i have a fine to pay, $178 and i don't have one penny of it yet.
i have to work for him $7.00 an hour until "he feels its payed off."
what fucking bullshit
i cant stand any of this
at all
ANYMORE
its time to make a change in my life, and get out of this whole entire thing.
any plans?