bring back my old voice

..Did you ever really realize, that life is either like one big storybook with happy friends and ice cream, or one big nightmare of growing up without having time to adjust?

You're legs keep on growing higher and higher but your mind hasn't grown with you. It's still as simple as it ever will be. I'm just sitting here, wallowing in self pity for letting it all go. For letting it all crash and burn like this. My friends, they're all gone. They're all growing up. They all have a different perspective on life than I do, when they used to have the same as I did. We used to share so much, all 3 of us. We were like attached at the hip, we were the trio. Do you remember the time when we would all sit next to each other with our stupid business attire on our bodies, our legs were still not fully grown at this time. We were all independent but dependent at the same time. Sometimes, I close my eyes and imagine myself sitting in that stupid classroom learning about McDonald's, not being so selfish. Looking at the kid with the afro, and the kid with black spikey hair smiling from ear to ear because they were my best friends.

Except, soon after, our trio started to get holes in it. We started to crash and burn. We started getting competitive. Both of you guys liked me at the same time, and I just knew whenever we were filling out those time capsules we would all look at each other in disgust when we re-opened them in 12th grade.

Sometimes, I just close my eyes and re-live and smell and hear and taste the summer days you guys came over and we all slept on my bed at one time. Some people were left out, but I was too selfish to understand. I feel horrible for all the actions I put a certain someone through. But i just ended up turning my back on the person I attempted to go out with, but didn't quite work for someone that I'm currently dating that is working out. Kicking the other one to the curb.

Friendship is really kind of stupid in a way. I wish we all still got along, I wish we were all in the same fucking class and I wish we would stop all of this fucking jealousy and live life happy. Life is too short to be miserable.

Whatever happened to all of our songs whatever happened to staying up all night and talking to each other whatever happened to "the trio" whatever fucking happened to all of us. I don't want to be on fire, I don't want to crash and burn, I don't want to burn. The only thing I want to do if I end up crashing and burning is crashing and burning with you guys beside me.

There's no we in trio, there's riot.

To the fucking trio. I love you.

i quit. i'm done. you win.
i don't know how to act. i don't know how you want me to act.
i'm not capable of doing what my brain tells me to do.
i'm stupid, i get it.
i don't know how to move my piece so i could beat you.
i can't win.
you always win.
don't you get it?
this is one big board game, and no matter how far i go, i'll never get back to you the way i was
i'm sorry i can't mold into the perfect piece of clay you want me to.
apologies don't mean shit anymore.
i'm going to rip myself apart until i'm laying in my own pool of blood.
my lifeline, my best friend is now dead.

my simplistic exterior, is gone
my brain is gone
everything is in the hole in the lake.

i always liked building a new exterior.
what can it be this week?

when you wake up, read this.

i'm not fixing anything that's undone anymore. they're just going to have to get out of the copper smelling rut that they're in and mend themselves together until mending isn't an option. because i'm not a peacemaker, i'm not a pacemaker either. i'm not good with keeping things alive. when i was little, i kept a goldfish alive for 7 hours. 7 miserable hours. honestly, all i wanted was for it to finally die. i could see it struggling, it looked like it was swimming in toxic waste. i think i may have i subconsciously poisoned the poor thing. i don't know, i've been waiting all this time to finally be something i can't define. and looking back on the old posts i wrote on here, they're really really pathetic. like, what was i thinking? i was stupid, i was really really stupid. i've been thinking about back then and (here we go again) i realized something else, we're grown up. and i fucking love it. i love how you're not in my life, and i'm not in yours. i've wanted this since the day i fucking met you. god, it's uplifting, it really really is.

fuck you. i don't need you.

i can say that now. because i don't.
i'm high.

truthfully, i'm not going to lie my way out of this one. i'm finally realizing that there's more to life than just friends and material things. what some young teenagers don't know about me is that i'm all about realizing things when a couple of days ago i was just ranting about how i will never realize that this friend will end up fucking me over in the end, or how i don't want to realize that my whole life is ahead of me and that all the shit i'm worrying about now isn't really worth ANY of my time! it's all so fucking pointless and i wish someone else or anyone else for that matter would realize this also. they're right, the rulers of my life for the next 3 years are absolutely fucking correct in this situation. i'm sorry to say it, but they are. i told you, i won't lie. i just won't. i really don't know ANYTHING. YOU DON'T EITHER! we all don't. you know, sometimes it really is okay to have friends. you honestly don't need them. it's nice to have them but you always end up having SOMEONE in the end. really even the guy in the newspaper he strangled his four daughters and drowned them has someone that still is in complete, unconditional love for him. he's a criminal, he's a demon, but they still love him.

i don't know where i'm getting at, but i know it'll be soon. but if you're reading this, if you're ACTUALLY paying attention to my non stop bull shit words, i want you to think what life would be like if you had no friends. oh! close your eyes too. . . . now open? okay yeah, whatever you're looking at right now. that's EXACTLY where you would be with no friends. acquaintances are kind of like friends minus the loyalty and the trust. an acquaintance incase you don't know this already is just someone you pass on the street, bum a cigarette off of and go through your day. a friend is someone who you can trust and is loyal to you. you should be the same to them also, because that would be using them. and i know some people can't tolerate that. you might end up like one of those guys 4 daugthers, you never know, really. sometimes, i don't know why i even try with friends. i only have 1/2 of one, no maybe 1/3. and some people may think this is disgustingly obsessive but i really only am drawn to one of my friends. and that's derrick. everyone else that has either left me or fucked me over. i don't need you. honestly i don't. i'm perfectly content with life. this isn't supposed to come off as strong as i'm making it, i'm just making myself clear. making up for lost time. stupid blogging time i haven't sucked up my time with, because this is quite the time suck.

and after all i've typed. i've come to ANOTHER realizations, god i love today. it wasn't even that cold. i'm getting lost, where was i. oh right, that when you start to age you know get older, you don't absolutely HAVE to change. you don't have to get mature, yeah society smiles upon you if you do but some people hate society. i do but you won't believe me. because we all conform somehow, we're run by older humans, we're not ourselves yet. so all of you pig son of a bitch 13 year olds who think they know what society is. you have no idea, I HAVE no idea neither does the fucking president. neither do the pigs. neither does that "higher power" no one does except for the people who have been through society. like chumps from the beat generation and punks from the 70's. they made a change. now let's make ours.

so..

i'm here, but not healthy. rat poison is in my blood stream a little too much lately and i don't really think i like it. something in my brain tells me that i need it, but i don't know. it's utterly confusing the piss out of me. i don't really HAVE anyone anymore. i mean i have a few people but not like, set in stone. except for one, that's been there forever.

alright, i'm going to be cliche for just a couple of minutes, so bare with me. i just need these people to finally figure out who they are. i like doing this, it's entertaining.
-----------

a. i really don't know who you are anymore? one minute you say "yeah! let's go somewhere!" and the next minute you're a COMPLETELY different fucking person. can you please pretend at least PRETEND you like me. seriously, i don't care if you don't but just figure out a way because we're gonna be living under the same roof for another 3 years, and i want those next 3 years to be a little less miserable and a little more, i don't know.. bearable?

b. i really love you for sticking with me for this long. you really care. and i really care. look, i know we fight all the time, but that can be fixed. someway somehow we'll get it. i just don't know how or where we're going to find help. or how we could mend this all by ourselves like we've been doing? i love you, please don't be sad.

c. honestly, i don't really have a care in the world for you. you've traded me off so soso many times that i have no feeling. i'm numb to anything you have to say, if you will. but honestly, i'm not the one who changed. YOU are. you left me so many times that i don't really care for you. oh, and i hate you too. thanks, except "NOT REALLY"

d. seriously, go back to the old you or i'm going to ignore you every single day. you're the asshole you used to be last year, and i don't like it. be a little bit more, i don't know. yourself? modest? and sometimes, i wish your mood could be blank, i think that would be interesting.

e. i miss you, even though you fucked me over in the past. i miss you. i miss bill dance and i miss those car rides to day care. i really do. i don't know how we can get that back, maybe we could actually meet up and stick our heads together and pick our noses?

EDIT! f. oh yeah, almost forgot about you. uhm, you need to get off of people's dicks. so glad you got off of mine and his. and oh yeah, you did a really fucked up thing JUST for attention, and almost forgot, you look like a dyke. see ya!

g. thanks..

tragic

it's magic, because you're so unhappy with yourself
for not believing in what you said you would believe in.
well i have news for you, you need to step up and you need to step out
outside instead of inside. cold instead of hot.
feel your body trembling under pressure, and feel your brain scheme under the spotlight.
believe in magic, believe.
let your eyes roll to the back of your head, let your eyes tell you what to do.
let your hands speak and your mouth act.

useless, stupid, and out of control.
i am because no one will hold my hand.
no one will walk me through this door that stands before me.
the knob, it's not turning.. it's.. not..turning.

my mind, it's not resetting and my fingers, they're not writing.
maybe i gave up.
maybe i don't like this lifestyle anymore.

i'm alone.
i'm not upset, or cold or shaken.
i'm
all
alone.

i blame this, i blame this on magic.
magic made me believe in itself.
magic is the reason for everything.

it's why i create pictures, it's why i erase things so much.
photographs burning, pens exploding, thermometers reaching a breaking point.
it's all but a game, magic is the key.

since it's so therapeutic to write, i will, and i'll write until my hands fall off.
because no one will hear me out, because i'm to stupid for anyone to listen.
i'm never good enough, i never will be, and i can't be. i'm not perfect, please please try to grasp that. and stop comparing me to the person you wish i was, or the person you want me to be. i know i've typed this over and over, but fuck you. fuck you, fuck him, fuck you, and fuck you. i can't take this constant criticism. i know i'm not perfect, you don't have to point it out. i knowiknowiknowiknow.

i don't know how to face you anymore.
i had a dream about you the other night, it felt so real
every touch, every word, every breath, every moan.
i can't believe i dreamt that.
you're raping my thoughts, and you're raping me.
you're raping the weak soul of a teenager who has no grip on life.

i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.

get out of my life
get out of my dreams
get out of my ears
get out of my soul
get out of my past
get out of my future

stop saying my name
forget my fucking phone number
forget ME DAD
FORGET ME PLEASE
THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING
I'M NOT COMING OVER ANYMORE
I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FAMILY
I HOPE YOU ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY
every tear i shed for you is useless
you have no impact on my life anymore
you're useless

you were never there
you're trying to be there, and you're failing
when are you gonna give up on the fact that i don't like you anymore?
when are you gonna get through your head that i don't love anything about you?

you've killed all the few good memories we had
i hate you dad.

stay out of my life
stay out of my dreams
stay out of my ears
stay out of my soul
stay out of my past
stay out of my future
stay out of my thoughts

stop looking at me with those eyes
and stop holding my hand
don't touch me
you're a monster
crawl under the bed where you belong.
pretty please with sugar on top?

giants are chasing me with big hands and i can't escape.
the shadows take over my shadow on the wall.

all i wanted was to be a shadow puppet.
i have rights as a person, to be anything that i want to be.
and i'm sick of you trying to tell me that's it's not going to happen.

it will happen and i'll sit in my dorm room and over-look the harbor one day
and i can't wait until my dreams come true.

and the giants will no longer caress me with big hands and bulky arms.
i'm so small, yet the world is so big.

i know this, it's in my head
but i'm still not giving up.
i'm going to persevere and you're going to be so fucking mad when it happens.
because i'll have money for a plane ticket, and i'll have money for college,
and i'll have money to do whatever the fuck i want.

and you'll be that crying giant waiting to touch me on the shoulder and rip the clothes off
my back.
and i'll have a shirt under that.
so you can't catch me now.
i'm un stoppable.
and one day, i'll live there and breath there and make friends there and become homeless.

it's an impossible dream i know.
but expect the un expected.

transitions.

sudden, oh so fucking sudden.
i've been through every face today, ever mood there is. every image anyone can portray.
it's like a drama mask that never ends.

it's like i can't escape.
i'm always angry.
i'm always happy.
i'm always sad.
i'm always teary eyed.
i'm always squinty eyed from my chubby cheeks nudging them as i smile.

what?

my moods have been switching on and off like a light switch.
like one of those blinking signs on the cheap drug store signs you see from too much condensation in the lighting from being outside in the humid air.
birds nesting in them, eggs breaking, birds hatching.

confrontation is my biggest fear.
facing their bony skeleton is my biggest worry.
looking at their eyes is my biggest habit.
searching for the right words to say, is my biggest hesitation.

concentrate. concentrate. concentrate.

up, down, across, left, right, sideways, horizontal, vertical
weave the web of lies.

lies are my biggest sin.
religion is my biggest regret.

being angry all the time is my biggest let down.
being sad all the time is my biggest anger.
being happy all the time is my biggest pain.
being tired is my biggest depression.

making sense, is my biggest insecurity.

flashing flashing flashing is my biggest break down.
sections of my moods are being cut in half with a meat cleaver.

am i just teary eyed because i'm laughing so hard?
am i laughing so hard i'm crying?
am i crying so hard i'm sad?
am i sad because i'm angry?
am i angry because i'm tired?
am i tired because i'm tossing and turning?

i'm tossing and turning because i wake up naked. without any company.
no company to think about.
no company to feel.

laying there awake is the only time i can think.
but my brain is going so fast, i can't catch up to it.
"you're not really asleep and you're not really awake."

i always wanted to believe, i could achieve anything beyond my wildest dreams.

THINK. CONCENTRATE. FEAR THE LONLINESS.
KILL WHAT HAS TAKEN OVER YOU.
SLASH ANYTHING THAT STEPS ON YOUR TOES.

make those chubby cheeks nudge your eyes one last time.
don't give up now. this is our first finish and our last beginning.

half empty next to nothing.

dirt and grime and clothes in the river and feet on the streets and you and me.
i know that it's nothing anymore, i know you're happy. i know i'm happy.
let's leave it at that
forgive and not forget. let's break a few rules
let's forget about the rule books
and forget about morals that were served to us on a silver platter.
yours was, mine weren't.
mine were served hands-free-under-the-table.
just like how i'm going to get paid.
let's compulsive lie; have them bounce in every corner of the ceiling
ever single quivering crevice of the doorknob.
twisting and turning like your face is distored.

the times were like a glass.
half empty of half full?
it's a trick question.

were "the times" an illusion?
or were they real?
did we actually live them?
or are they just washed away by waves like names in the sand.

i'm glad we're moving on.
i'm glad we forgot.
i'm glad YOU forgot.

it's like they never happened.
it's like
we're trying to be some alice in wonderland knock off.
just a dream
looking through a goddamn keyhole only to see yourself completely knocked out sleeping.

i would like to feel alive sometime too.
i AM alive.
I'M WALKING TALKING HUMAN FLESH THAT FUNCTIONS WITHOUT BEING GLUED TO THE PAST.
reality hasn't set in quite yet.
it hasn't made it way through my arms yet, it's stuck in a blood clot filled with tiny stress balls that are slowly starting to mend themselves away to nothing.
then reality will set in, under one condition.

when we did all this

were our veins half empty?
or half full?

carousel

spinning bouncing and shaking over and over again as our little hands touch the golden shiny poles.
the thing that made us come here the most.
our fingernails imperfect, our faces imperfect, and these horses imperfect.
missing a seat belt, missing a frown, missing a friends hand to hold.
out in the open you scream, and you laugh and you dance while sitting down. and you close your eyes and hear the carousel music and the rhythm and the piano's and the xylophones hissing through your ears, and swimming through the threads of your favorite shirt and running up your arm and tickling the little hairs on your freckled cheeks.
our stubby noses and our sharp teeth and our water stained tickets.
your hair is swaying in the wind and even though the horse is only going up and down you feel like your bouncing a million miles a minute! and you feel like anything could come your way and nothing could fuck you up. you feel like the wind could blow it's hardest and it wouldn't mess up one little shirley temple curl on your head. and even if your freckles are fake the wind can't blow those off either. and the wind can't blow your cotton candy out of your mouth because it's so sticky and pink and delicious. and close your eyes one more, just once more and think of the clouds and the blue sky and how white the clouds are compared to it and how bright and vibrant it makes you feel. and smile, smile the biggest you've ever smiled because this may be your last time and your last time before you could walk into your door and realize you're banned from your friends or you're tied down for a straight 3 months because of something someone else did.


so smile and laugh and LIVE! and just smile and laugh and live with me. and think of each other leaping through the clouds like there's no weight limit while holding hands and jumping and skipping and taking breaks to give each other hugs and have a tea party with the unkown.

ride this carousel like it's your very last breath, take in the deepest breath you can, because i still have not.
because this will all be real someday, you'll all see, that this ISN'T make believe.

"we were just bouncing and laughing and running around making fun of everything and finding flaws in everything... "

Our legs were going so fast and my stomach was pulsating up and down because i could not stop laughing! i was running down the stairs and i could feel my stupid worthless dress pants rubbing against my buckling, shaking knee caps because i was laughing so hard. and i could hear your laugh echoing!
and i couldn't get enough.
it felt so real, and it felt like what you described in your letter that i read everyday to make me happy. my week was so miserable and so was yours. but we made it realistic and it felt SOSOSOSOSO incredible! and i hope you felt the same way. because it felt really good to feel it and see it and run and laugh and it wasn't just a spur of the moment because i never felt a dream that incredible before. and i can't fucking explain how much i love you, and how no matter how hard i try to respect you leaving me, i always miss you. and i LOVE being imperfect and obnoxious and pointing and laughing at people and talking in the corners of our mouths like that cute little kindergartner, tailin and her turtle penelope and greenfield! and i can't stop smiling and crying and for once i don't care if i look stupid. i think i don't care if i look bad in public anymore, and i'm glad that we're together again.
today really opened my eyes to what we needed, and what we've been missing out on forever. and how we wake up in CVS and steal milk brownies and peanit dinnerz and talk about the beverage man and all this simple shit that's ours and no one elses! but i'm SO glad it fucking exists and i'm SO glad we both exist together!
and i LOVE the feeling of existing at the same point in time on that street, on that bus that stops and goes every 5 seconds and making fun of the deaf lady and seeing all the classics and laughing at the pee water guy that stares at everyone!
I HOPE WE EXIST FOREVER, AND I HOPE THIS NEVER ENDS.
i blame today for all of this exploding happiness that i needed and you needed for a really long time.
AND
I
LIKE IT.

i have to share this! ...

dream:
i was standing on a peer, just a wooden brown peer. overlooking the saddest body of water i have ever saw in my life. it was gray and i don't know if it was an ocean or a lake or a river, but it doesn't matter because there were fish jumping in and out of the water like it was hurting them. but fish live in water! THEY LOVE WATER! but they were jumping and flopping every which way and screaming like the water was toxic or something. and i think that's why the water was gray. so i walked away, because i couldn't take the noise of them. my hands were dangling at my sides and a hamster appeared in my right hand and a mouse appeared in my left hand. my eyes widened and i picked up my hands rather quickly to see that they were suffering. they were fucking squirming and dying in the palms of my hands. so i was frantically running every where, i was turning down streets that didn't even look safe trying to find one person that wasn't gray and down. but i didn't care anymore! i needed someone to help these poor animals. so i found a veterinarian lady, she looked like she could help. so i walk up to her, with the most disrupted look on my face, and i said to her, "hey could you help my animals? they're dying!" and she looks up and says, "there's really nothing we can do, mam. all we can do is kill them." so this veterinarian lady that i met, she snapped their necks. i looked up at her like she just killed my soul or something. and i just walked away looking at these gruesome looking animals that are now dead. i went to go sit down in this brownish chair, and it just so happened to be in the middle of a wedding ceremony. and i was just sitting there looking at my dead animals and looking up at the bride and groom and then back at my dead animals. and wondered, "am i the only one that's noticing this?" i didn't get how someone could get married while there were animals suffering on basically every corner of the street.

i cried when i woke up, and now i'm probably going to live my life very disturbed and i'll wonder about everything, and i'll probably be a little bit more pessimistic and paranoid.
thanks.

and i remember all the fragrances and all the ones that kissed the top of my nose
the wind that went through my hair like a stream in a mountain peak, and the way my sleeves smelled like maple syrup because i was so careless eating waffles where i sat my ass on my couch and watched yo gabba gabba because the remote didn't work and i didn't care. because i was laughing at what my mind was thinking and i was laughing at how i didn't care what i was glancing up at to know that a million little kids were actually getting knowledge off of this shit. and i remember hearing the door slam and i remember smiling and showing my teeth at you and i didn't care if i had something in my teeth from the million french fries we ate, that i could barely devour as fast as you. and i just remember that inifinite feeling i felt driving in that shitty car with those people i barely ever fucking hang out with, that wanted me there, and i wanted to be there and we all wanted each other's company because company is good sometimes. even by people you barely even talk to because you can be yourself in front of them and you can laugh and feed each other taco's in the backseat of a clicking car that is barely pieced together correctly. and i can feel the cold october air hissing in my ears and swiping past my strands of hair like the million credit cards that were swiped at the mall that we drove to for no apparent reason that was closed. THAT WINDOW THAT KEPT CREEKING EVERY TIME WE OPENED IT TO ASK A HASPANIC LADY IF THE STORE WAS CLOSED BECAUSE ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS VANDALIZE THINGS AND ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS WALK AROUND AIMLESSLY WITH NO AUTHORITY.

i laughed so hard at the smiplest things.

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl that has found herself.
and her place is in that car and at those moments where we walked hand in hand and swung at the park, and sat and glanced at the city scape and the orange sky and the cloud that looked like two people having sex. and i'm loving this skipping music and this shitty tuned guitar, but i'm still gonna write my story in a word document and i'm still gonna strum this guitar and try my best to know what to say and know what do.
i love that foggy white room with different strobe lights fucking with our eyes trying to give us epileptic seizures but refused because all that mattered to us was at that moment and that time, we were holding hands and following the orange rope that led us to the exit we didn't want to go to because it felt like a time machine and the end of the world. my heart was racing and so was yours but you said you saw my silhouette in the midst of everything that was going on in that fog- induced- strobe- light- flashing room. all we needed was our imagination and our surroundings and our hands, and once we got out. i felt like we came back to reality but not quite because,
i love highway music and i really like the wind and i really like the tree leaves swaying in the frigid wind that once kissed my nose at that little nook where we were on that highway painted with yellow and white lines that we didn't follow.

there's no such thing as a straight line, and there's no such thing as following and there's no such thing as not singing lalalalalala in your head.

because YOU can
HE can
WE ALL CAN.

i hope you realize.

you ruin my fucking life.
you won't let me live a life full of guitars and friends and outside.
instead, i'm cooped up in a house made of rules and i'm cooped up to where i can't move and the only direction the walls are moving is in. towards me, just to make me claustrophobic.
maybe i am being my stupid self.
and maybe you are sick of it.
if you're so sick of it, why don't you just send me away?
you know you want to..
you know you want me to go live with him, and you know you don't care what happens to me.
the only thing you care about is waking up the next morning knowing you won't see my face.
and you'll celebrate.
and i'm here to say, i'm okay with that.
because i'm sick of getting made fun of, and i'm sick of being ignored for all the wrong reasons and i'm sick and fucking tired of being miserable every timie i walk in here
and i'm over the fact that i fight with you all the time,
and i know i'm not your mom, and you hardly are my mom anymore.
i never talk to you anymore
when i do we fight.
i never see you anymore
and if i do its only because i'm making food in the kitchen
or walking past you in the hallway.
and i never hug you because you always have to do something to piss me off
i know i'm a teenager, and i know i'm just growing up.
and just because you know about my blog isn't gonna stop me from flipping out on you
because obviously i cant do it in person because you'll probably run your fist through my mouth.
but if this is part of growing up, and i'm supposed to look back on this and laugh and say
"where was my mind, what was i thinking?"
then why didn't i do that yet?
because i remember things i used to get mad at all the time when i was little and i still think the things i did get mad at made sense.
and maybe when i do get mad it doesn't matter to anyone else except me. but what if you're wrong?
did you ever think that someone could care about you so much, that they care why you're mad?
just because it might have not happened to you doesn't mean there's no hope for me.
if i try to talk like it's our last conversation, nothing, and i mean absolutely nothing will change.
just because i'm treating the situatoin differently doesn't mean it's gonna make it all better.
the day you die, you're dying words will probably be 'you were a mistake, fuck you.'
maybe i'm not as bad of a kid as you think i am.
but in real life, and in my mind. i am.
damn, you're all so clueless.

burn outs

i'm a candle that has burned on,
and i'm a lightbulb that'll never lose it's power.
we're here right now, so live right now and live with right now.
would you give me your eyes if mine went blind?
they've been open for so long for no purpose, for no REAL symbolic reason.
strum strum strum away, lay in the grass and feel the dew on your hair.
the droplets drip down your rough cheek onto your shirt making dots.
light blue turns into dark blue because of saturation.
we could be dancing with no clothes on.
we could go slow, and we could laugh so hard
at the things we know and no one else does.
let's be something no one else could be
let's be something no one else thought of
and let's prove every single one of them wrong.
and all people tell me now these days are, "how cool is colorblind"
and that "some days i just think that i need a friend to tell me they don't know what they would
do without me."
well, i don't know what i would do without IT.
without what connects us - together - what makes us form like the jigsaw puzzle piece we are.
i always hear people telling other people secrets.
well my secret, was a lie.
and all i hear parents saying is how they expect great things from their children.
some people often forget to tell them that it's perfectly OKAY if they can't shine as bright as others
that it's PERFECTLY NORMAL if they're not shining stars.
personally, i didn't burn brightly.
and now ALL I WANT TO DO
is burn out.

TRUST ME ON THIS

because no one else will, and the next thing you know i'll be chasing you with frigid fingers and you'll be crying to everyone you know and i'll be asking you where you are and you'll be asking me to stop asking you these stupid questions and i'm going to talk in a run on sentence because i don't know when i should stop and i don't know where i should start and i just need a good talking to because no one really sits down with me and takes the time to talk to me because i'm not fucking replacing you and i hate that you think i am but its not fucking true and you need to stop being so goddamn anti social i miss it you miss it we all miss it but there's no fucking turning back now we just need to go ahead and move on with our lives and i miss the old e-mails we used to write to each other and i miss when the mornings were cold and i had that shitty fur hooded jacket and i miss the hot coffee and i miss the snow on the ground and the snow in my shoes and the snow on my nose and i miss the winter because it was really cold and i enjoyed the cold because i would look through the classroom window telling everyone the next days forecast when really no one cared and i lived on kdka.com and no one cared and if you're reading this far you have a heart because no one would read this long of a run on sentence and i used a lot of interjections but i don't give a shit because my voice needs to be heard sometime. there

I STOPPED.

and that's when i realized,

all the answers are right under your nose.
i was cutting out magazine letters to spell the word "infinite" for some unknown reason,
i cut it out, and it just fell out of the magazine, off the page where i cut it out of.
and it just fell to the ground, from what i could see.
i kept on looking for the "i" i cut out, saying the word infinite as i was looking to see where it could have fallen to. i was saying the word infinite because without this particular "i" i cut out, infinite would have a spelling error. infinite just wouldn't be spelled right, infinite just wouldn't be complete.
i kept kicking myself over loosing this "i", as it was making me REALLY angry.
i go to look for another "i" in the magazine i've been flipping through for the past 15 minutes, and i blink.
i look on my hoodie and there's the "i" i cut out, and it's the right "i" i wanted. it's the "i" that "fell to the floor" it's the "i" to complete the word, infinite.
now, i'm feeling as inifinite as i was when i found that perfect "i" to complete the perfect word to describe what i'm feeling.
I AM INFINITE TO THE GREATEST EXTENT - WITHOUT ANY MEASURE OF HOW BIG OR LARGE ANYTHING IS.
exceedingly great: very great in size, number, degree, or extent.
-she is feeling inifinite over the letter "i"
i stop, and ask myself, "where is my mind?"
and that's when i realized,
all the answers are right under MY nose.
INCORRECT.

plug ins

i don't exactly know why, but i don't like it here.
i like it better here, but back then.
old lives, old times, old laughs, old jokes.

this doesn't exist.
what am i saying?
it's all in the past.
you've forgotten.

why am i talking about this?
no one cares.
you don't care.

i do.

why do i continue to think about this?
why can't my mind rest and go to sleep?
and why do i wake up un happy?

why do you tell me lies?
why do you say them to my face?
and why do i continue to follow you?

give me a name.
give me a sign.

stop running me over.
and stop leaving me out.
because i don't want to keep on sitting here.
i don't like your eyes.
and i don't like your expressions.
and i don't like your essence of absolutely nothing.

sometimes i wonder about you.
and sometimes i wonder about me.
and it's pointless.
you know why?

because i want to go back to everything before this shit hole happened.
you don't understand.

but i do.

why am i talking about this?
this doesn't exist.
what am i saying?

goodbye.