bring back my old voice

..Did you ever really realize, that life is either like one big storybook with happy friends and ice cream, or one big nightmare of growing up without having time to adjust?

You're legs keep on growing higher and higher but your mind hasn't grown with you. It's still as simple as it ever will be. I'm just sitting here, wallowing in self pity for letting it all go. For letting it all crash and burn like this. My friends, they're all gone. They're all growing up. They all have a different perspective on life than I do, when they used to have the same as I did. We used to share so much, all 3 of us. We were like attached at the hip, we were the trio. Do you remember the time when we would all sit next to each other with our stupid business attire on our bodies, our legs were still not fully grown at this time. We were all independent but dependent at the same time. Sometimes, I close my eyes and imagine myself sitting in that stupid classroom learning about McDonald's, not being so selfish. Looking at the kid with the afro, and the kid with black spikey hair smiling from ear to ear because they were my best friends.

Except, soon after, our trio started to get holes in it. We started to crash and burn. We started getting competitive. Both of you guys liked me at the same time, and I just knew whenever we were filling out those time capsules we would all look at each other in disgust when we re-opened them in 12th grade.

Sometimes, I just close my eyes and re-live and smell and hear and taste the summer days you guys came over and we all slept on my bed at one time. Some people were left out, but I was too selfish to understand. I feel horrible for all the actions I put a certain someone through. But i just ended up turning my back on the person I attempted to go out with, but didn't quite work for someone that I'm currently dating that is working out. Kicking the other one to the curb.

Friendship is really kind of stupid in a way. I wish we all still got along, I wish we were all in the same fucking class and I wish we would stop all of this fucking jealousy and live life happy. Life is too short to be miserable.

Whatever happened to all of our songs whatever happened to staying up all night and talking to each other whatever happened to "the trio" whatever fucking happened to all of us. I don't want to be on fire, I don't want to crash and burn, I don't want to burn. The only thing I want to do if I end up crashing and burning is crashing and burning with you guys beside me.

There's no we in trio, there's riot.

To the fucking trio. I love you.

i quit. i'm done. you win.
i don't know how to act. i don't know how you want me to act.
i'm not capable of doing what my brain tells me to do.
i'm stupid, i get it.
i don't know how to move my piece so i could beat you.
i can't win.
you always win.
don't you get it?
this is one big board game, and no matter how far i go, i'll never get back to you the way i was
i'm sorry i can't mold into the perfect piece of clay you want me to.
apologies don't mean shit anymore.
i'm going to rip myself apart until i'm laying in my own pool of blood.
my lifeline, my best friend is now dead.

my simplistic exterior, is gone
my brain is gone
everything is in the hole in the lake.

i always liked building a new exterior.
what can it be this week?

when you wake up, read this.

i'm not fixing anything that's undone anymore. they're just going to have to get out of the copper smelling rut that they're in and mend themselves together until mending isn't an option. because i'm not a peacemaker, i'm not a pacemaker either. i'm not good with keeping things alive. when i was little, i kept a goldfish alive for 7 hours. 7 miserable hours. honestly, all i wanted was for it to finally die. i could see it struggling, it looked like it was swimming in toxic waste. i think i may have i subconsciously poisoned the poor thing. i don't know, i've been waiting all this time to finally be something i can't define. and looking back on the old posts i wrote on here, they're really really pathetic. like, what was i thinking? i was stupid, i was really really stupid. i've been thinking about back then and (here we go again) i realized something else, we're grown up. and i fucking love it. i love how you're not in my life, and i'm not in yours. i've wanted this since the day i fucking met you. god, it's uplifting, it really really is.

fuck you. i don't need you.

i can say that now. because i don't.
i'm high.

truthfully, i'm not going to lie my way out of this one. i'm finally realizing that there's more to life than just friends and material things. what some young teenagers don't know about me is that i'm all about realizing things when a couple of days ago i was just ranting about how i will never realize that this friend will end up fucking me over in the end, or how i don't want to realize that my whole life is ahead of me and that all the shit i'm worrying about now isn't really worth ANY of my time! it's all so fucking pointless and i wish someone else or anyone else for that matter would realize this also. they're right, the rulers of my life for the next 3 years are absolutely fucking correct in this situation. i'm sorry to say it, but they are. i told you, i won't lie. i just won't. i really don't know ANYTHING. YOU DON'T EITHER! we all don't. you know, sometimes it really is okay to have friends. you honestly don't need them. it's nice to have them but you always end up having SOMEONE in the end. really even the guy in the newspaper he strangled his four daughters and drowned them has someone that still is in complete, unconditional love for him. he's a criminal, he's a demon, but they still love him.

i don't know where i'm getting at, but i know it'll be soon. but if you're reading this, if you're ACTUALLY paying attention to my non stop bull shit words, i want you to think what life would be like if you had no friends. oh! close your eyes too. . . . now open? okay yeah, whatever you're looking at right now. that's EXACTLY where you would be with no friends. acquaintances are kind of like friends minus the loyalty and the trust. an acquaintance incase you don't know this already is just someone you pass on the street, bum a cigarette off of and go through your day. a friend is someone who you can trust and is loyal to you. you should be the same to them also, because that would be using them. and i know some people can't tolerate that. you might end up like one of those guys 4 daugthers, you never know, really. sometimes, i don't know why i even try with friends. i only have 1/2 of one, no maybe 1/3. and some people may think this is disgustingly obsessive but i really only am drawn to one of my friends. and that's derrick. everyone else that has either left me or fucked me over. i don't need you. honestly i don't. i'm perfectly content with life. this isn't supposed to come off as strong as i'm making it, i'm just making myself clear. making up for lost time. stupid blogging time i haven't sucked up my time with, because this is quite the time suck.

and after all i've typed. i've come to ANOTHER realizations, god i love today. it wasn't even that cold. i'm getting lost, where was i. oh right, that when you start to age you know get older, you don't absolutely HAVE to change. you don't have to get mature, yeah society smiles upon you if you do but some people hate society. i do but you won't believe me. because we all conform somehow, we're run by older humans, we're not ourselves yet. so all of you pig son of a bitch 13 year olds who think they know what society is. you have no idea, I HAVE no idea neither does the fucking president. neither do the pigs. neither does that "higher power" no one does except for the people who have been through society. like chumps from the beat generation and punks from the 70's. they made a change. now let's make ours.

so..

i'm here, but not healthy. rat poison is in my blood stream a little too much lately and i don't really think i like it. something in my brain tells me that i need it, but i don't know. it's utterly confusing the piss out of me. i don't really HAVE anyone anymore. i mean i have a few people but not like, set in stone. except for one, that's been there forever.

alright, i'm going to be cliche for just a couple of minutes, so bare with me. i just need these people to finally figure out who they are. i like doing this, it's entertaining.
-----------

a. i really don't know who you are anymore? one minute you say "yeah! let's go somewhere!" and the next minute you're a COMPLETELY different fucking person. can you please pretend at least PRETEND you like me. seriously, i don't care if you don't but just figure out a way because we're gonna be living under the same roof for another 3 years, and i want those next 3 years to be a little less miserable and a little more, i don't know.. bearable?

b. i really love you for sticking with me for this long. you really care. and i really care. look, i know we fight all the time, but that can be fixed. someway somehow we'll get it. i just don't know how or where we're going to find help. or how we could mend this all by ourselves like we've been doing? i love you, please don't be sad.

c. honestly, i don't really have a care in the world for you. you've traded me off so soso many times that i have no feeling. i'm numb to anything you have to say, if you will. but honestly, i'm not the one who changed. YOU are. you left me so many times that i don't really care for you. oh, and i hate you too. thanks, except "NOT REALLY"

d. seriously, go back to the old you or i'm going to ignore you every single day. you're the asshole you used to be last year, and i don't like it. be a little bit more, i don't know. yourself? modest? and sometimes, i wish your mood could be blank, i think that would be interesting.

e. i miss you, even though you fucked me over in the past. i miss you. i miss bill dance and i miss those car rides to day care. i really do. i don't know how we can get that back, maybe we could actually meet up and stick our heads together and pick our noses?

EDIT! f. oh yeah, almost forgot about you. uhm, you need to get off of people's dicks. so glad you got off of mine and his. and oh yeah, you did a really fucked up thing JUST for attention, and almost forgot, you look like a dyke. see ya!

g. thanks..

tragic

it's magic, because you're so unhappy with yourself
for not believing in what you said you would believe in.
well i have news for you, you need to step up and you need to step out
outside instead of inside. cold instead of hot.
feel your body trembling under pressure, and feel your brain scheme under the spotlight.
believe in magic, believe.
let your eyes roll to the back of your head, let your eyes tell you what to do.
let your hands speak and your mouth act.

useless, stupid, and out of control.
i am because no one will hold my hand.
no one will walk me through this door that stands before me.
the knob, it's not turning.. it's.. not..turning.

my mind, it's not resetting and my fingers, they're not writing.
maybe i gave up.
maybe i don't like this lifestyle anymore.

i'm alone.
i'm not upset, or cold or shaken.
i'm
all
alone.

i blame this, i blame this on magic.
magic made me believe in itself.
magic is the reason for everything.

it's why i create pictures, it's why i erase things so much.
photographs burning, pens exploding, thermometers reaching a breaking point.
it's all but a game, magic is the key.

since it's so therapeutic to write, i will, and i'll write until my hands fall off.
because no one will hear me out, because i'm to stupid for anyone to listen.
i'm never good enough, i never will be, and i can't be. i'm not perfect, please please try to grasp that. and stop comparing me to the person you wish i was, or the person you want me to be. i know i've typed this over and over, but fuck you. fuck you, fuck him, fuck you, and fuck you. i can't take this constant criticism. i know i'm not perfect, you don't have to point it out. i knowiknowiknowiknow.