asleep.

listening to this almost blasting music, it vibrates my tummy.
the laptop its blasting from has a shape of a bubble the music comes out of.
and it forms around my head.
my eyes slowly shut, and finally i fall into the idea asleep.
i'm still awake inside, but my body is tired.
i can still hear the bass, and i can still hear the pianos.
it amplifies the room, and it amplifies my ears.
my head droops to the side, and im finally asleep.
my arms and my legs twitch, until i fall into the deepest sleep from the music.
my hand moves to the back of my pillow.
the pillowcase feels like snow on the ground with the cold pavement against your cheek.
i dream about how my bed is a cloud, or how i'm a cloud.
i could float in any direction, and i can rain on the people i greatly dislike.
i can rain on those that try to mislead me, but realize they've failed at that, and they've failed as a human being.
i can thunder on whoever wants to put holes in my umbrella.
in my dream, i can tell whoever to shut up, or whoever that i want them dead.
there's no consequences, and no, i'm not a famous author.
but i sure know how to write about my dreams.
in this dream, there's no fat or skinny.
there's one size.
and anyone can come and steal the hoodie that's keeping me dry.
its not too hot, its not too cold.
i twitch some more,
and i turn over.
i take a deep breath.
and my eyes open slowly to the light blinding me from the window.
i rub the sleep out of my eyes, and recap my perfect dream.
and that's when i wake.

change the lightbulb!

i have a ball and chain attached to me, and i don't recognize this feeling at all.
my intestines are churning, and choking my bladder.
until my eyes yet again, pop out of my head.
i know that i'm under this roof for another 3 years.
and that's what makes me angry.
i don't want to be, because im going to boil over like the kettle of tea that sits on the blistering hot burner.
i'm hissing to get out, and i get louder and louder by the second.
if you touch the bass of me, i'll burn your fingers right off.
i feel like i'm welded to my bed, im taped there forever.
i can't escape even though there's an open door with trees, and sunshine right in front of me.
im trying to make a fist, but there's an invisible ball stopping me.
its you.
its all your fault.
i don't blame myself, the earth, or anyone else.
I FUCKING BLAME YOU.
okay?

sometimes we remember

and if we could take the time to hear all these instruments, all these sounds surrounding us. all these hymns and all these glorified lyrics. all the ooh's and all the yeah's within our favorite songs. all the little kid chorus' all the people joining in and singing at the top of their lungs. the sound of the wooden stick beating against the hollow sounding drum. the sound of the singers voice in the microphone, castrating out insides, and outsides. to fill up a big yellow bucket with. so we can all be blood brother's and sisters. just listen to the violin over the speakers, and turn your volume up to max. and watch the sound waves exit the amp, and feel alive. listen to the lyrics that fit you, and what you go through everyday. let the guitar explain you, and the drums define you as a person. the sound of the amazing person's fingers tapping over the piano keys. in the most amazing and magnificent rythm your ears have ever heard before. your brain vibrates against your skull, and the sounds go through your veins like running water, and then they turn into colors. they clump up in your wrists. they turn into sand. so when you have a really bad day, and you hear a really sad song, and it gets you in the mood to cut, colorful sand will pour out of your veins. and your eyes will be filled up with endless colors. and your skin will turn thicker than your own blood. thicker than that sand that came pouring out like the waterfall you sit in front of, all alone, with no one sitting next to. you want to be the scribble to that someone's first coloring book, and you want to be the color inside of the person's gray world. but you know youre not good enough. so when you know that colorful sand will come pouring out on that depressing day, just know you'll cut yourself with a popsicle stick, and smile at the fact that the bass in the drums, and the fingers on the piano keys, and the finger tapping on the guitar strings, will make it all okay, and all you'll be able to do is smile. because you know the world, is just fine. it's all just fine.

what is it?

is it the fact that i lost my voice? forgive me and put up with me. walking in the grass i don't know what exists anymore. lets have a fist fight, and see who crumbles under pressure first. there's a flaw on your face, but i'm not saying a word. i can't hear your beautiful voice over this blasting guitar, but my bracelet broke in half while you were nearly screaming. my eyes closed shut, and i'm tied up in this red chair with mr. stink stickers all over it. i have crayons jammed down my throat, but i'm not gagging. it feels good to have color within me. they're inching down my esophogus, like a worm. inch my inch, and meter by meter. they're inside me. and they're never coming back out. they're in there forever. they're stuck to all the gum i swallowed over the years, they're stuck to all the paint i peeled off my fingernails once. the purple, the blue, and the orange all alined. this plastic wrapper sounding noise frightens me over the phone, can you tell i'm crying? can you tell my eye liner is running down my cheeks? and can you tell i'm choking on every word that escapes my lying mouth. i'm tripping over my phrases, and jumping over every single word you say. it's the biggest obstacle i've ever had to handle. i don't know what words mean to me anymore. i say them three or more times, and they automatically lose their meaning as quick as they run through my trail of memories in my pink, mushy, twisted brain. this cut on my cheek has been rusted over with all the saying and words you've been shouting. the band aid fell down the drain, and so did my choker. it slithered like a snake that day i took a shower. there's a marker chasing me, and its cherry, blood, red. do you know what this means? because well, i can only scream so much.

razor blades and ice cream

put the shirt of guilt on your shoulders, this is a million pounds.
take it off now, and feel as light as feather.
break the never ending necklace of memories dangling around your neck.
attach daisies to your eyes, and breath flowers.
the beads burst in every possible direction, and so do you.
your pupils dilate in rage and anger. i told you i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i'm not the fucking person i was before.
i'm sorry you forced my fragile skeleton onto the pavement.
my skin tears and so do my muscles.
my eye brow raises at the fact of me gaining knowledge off of this whole thing.
my eyes widen to the fact that i'm now a wiser person.
all because
of you.

don't tell me that i'm ordinary.

turn this door knob, to the left and now to the right. twist your lips in a shape i don't understand. believe you hold the key to my heart, you don't, and you never will. i'm scared, and i'm in this revolving, shaking, cold, world alone, and forgotten. don't let this stop. we're on a roll, we've been on a roll, but we're slowing down at different speeds. all i can think of is looking at the night sky, hearing whistles soar through the air, hearing and seeing US soar through the air. one day that'll happen. you never believe me anymore, because well. you hate me. i don't know when this is coming, i don't know where it's coming from, and it's unpredictable as ever. i miss you, i love you. but i've lost you, and you've forgotten me obviously. i want to scream where no one can hear me. scream at the top of my lungs, feel them tighten, and feel my throat bleed. i want to open my mouth as wide as i fucking can and scream until my heart gives out and tells me to stop. WHERE AM I GOING WHEN I DIE?! it seems i don't know where i lay when i sleep. and it seems i need to get my frustration out. start up the car, and drive to the nearest mountain that has a wooden sign that'll give me splinters. I FUCKING MISS YOU! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. this has all turned out horribly, but i still want you in my life. you're walking out, and i'm
WALKING IN.

the feeling of smells.

the core of the earth is shaking, and its making my body crumble.
1
2
3
piece my piece.
let's start something new.
the feeling of summer is running through my, small, tiny, blue veins.
pumping and pumping i can feel my pulse rising through the sky.
jolly ranchers and green popsicles start out our summer,
and i'm in love with you.
these foul memories slow down through my brain,
as opposed to the bike they used to speed on.
these trail of thoughts give me the feeling of envy.
give me everything.
i have the fucking power.
i can feel the smells traveling at light speed through every limb of my body.
shocking every artery i posses.
paint me a FUCKING picture with your feelings.
even if they're not pretty.
they can be ugly, disgusting, feelings.
it would still be a masterpiece.
this tree is green, and fog creeps at the base of it.
im sitting on a bench wondering when the sun will poke through the clouds.
any second now.
i squint, its so beautiful and bright.
can you come with me and take me away to feel the feeling of smells?

never leave me alone.

imagine yourself on a chalkboard, with an eraser, someone erasing you part my part, and piece my piece.
an eye for an eye, and an arm for an arm.
a leg for a leg, and a heart for a heart.
here's to a good summer i could never forget.
follow me down this winding road we call memory lane.
aimlessly wondering, on black tops, gravel, poison ivy, or glass.
we'll all walk barefoot, and our toes will crunch on top of the glass.
painful looks over all of our faces, do you need me?
why did i leave you behind, ever?
these are going to be the best days of our lives,
i don't WANT to forget you, i don't WANT to leave you all alone on this dirt trail.
FOLLOW ME.
i love you so much.
please don't fail me now.

screechesandscratches

wake me up with the stinkiest breath, take me somewhere new and let me live in your arms.
let me breath the heaviest i've ever breathed before, and make me blink more than average.
i'm not the normal human you think i am, look up to me, look into my orange eyes, and tell me that the world will never blow up into a million pieces. make me proud to be alive, and let me live a million times more than i have. just a second longer, take me on a roller coaster ride that will take our breath away, make our stomach's feel like they're floating to our brain, and let us throw up magic. i'm holding onto you, and you're not letting go. send a hot pink shock through my toes that enters my legs and gets stuck in my femur. it'll make my legs shake, and my knee's vibrate. with wide eyes, i'll look at you in the most imperfect way you've ever been looked at. can i show you what life feels like? reality hasn't set into my head yet, and it hasn't set into your heart. these strip malls filled with cancer make me the happiest i've ever been. i've been arching back to just be able to kiss you upside down. i just wanted to say that i'm not the girl you wanted me to be. i'm not the girl i once was, and i never will be again. i'll be thinking like this forever, writing free concious forever, and i'll be laughing and sneezing forever. im a fork in the road that no one can ever remove. i'm the piece of yellow gum on the sidewalk people step on, i stick, and go everywhere with them. no matter where it is, to london, to france, to someone's underpants. i'm addicted to the way i feel, i'm addicted to the way my life is going, and i'm addicted to every poisonous thought that runs through my trail of childhood memories i once lived. i hear the sweetest sound of the swings screeching, with dirty butts and popsicles. there were ants crawling all over us. tickling each of my miniature hairs on my fingers. you're amazing. you saved me when i was nothing, you looked at me at my worse, and you loved me for who i was. capri suns were our lifestyle, and hide and seek was our cult. this bass enters my veins, and vibrates and shakes every single bone in my arm. i can feel the drums along with our beating hearts together. at the same pace, at the same instance, at the same moment. i'll never be a liar, but you'll always be my friend. i'm shining this white blinding light in your eyes, and all you can say is "i need more shade to these sunglasses." where did i go wrong? where did you go? i want to leave, leave everything behind. i'll scribble on your brain, and you'll scratch mine with a fountain pen. leave it up to me, and i'll leave my life up to you.

can i orgasm on this blog right now?
cause my life is amazing.

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHO ARE YOU ANYMORE?!
you've changed so much, it makes me nauseous.
i can't stand your presence in this cornered room.
you're starting to become like him.
the person inside me that unleashes every single time i'm angry.
you're the person who sprinkles cancer into my cereal in the morning.
YOU'RE the one who takes all the energy out of me.
YOU ARE THE FUCKING ONE WHO RAINS ON MY PARADE.
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GOT ME AWAY FROM HIM
BUT YOU'RE BRINGING HIM BACK.
YOU'RE HIS SOUL.
i fucking hate you.
i can't stand you ANYMORE.
i'm not going to miss this place when i drive off in a van with my college friends.
i won't ever EVER FUCKING APOLOGIZE FOR THIS BLOG.
you've unleashed the beast that you can't cage up with your stupid nonsense idiotic rules.
you make my mind this poisonous place that makes me feel like plastic is over my mouth.
call me fucking crazy but, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO GET A GUN AND JUST END YOU.
END THIS.

i can't say this enough.
i despise what you have become.
and i despise what person you've made me become.

i'm living YOUR dream life that you never had.
you had people who didn't care about you either.
and
I'M NOT SORRY.
you fucking deserve it.

you're a walking, talking, NORMAL, human.
and that's the last thing i want to become.
you're making me walk into a ditch that's too deep for me to get out,
and too black for me to see out of.

i wanna escape your fucking yelling and just free fall out of a window.
with my hands by my side so there's no POSSIBLE way you can save me.
i DON'T EVER want to have to do this again.

how does it feel to read this?

athazagoraphobia!

fear of being forgotten or ignored or forgetting.

so, i keep having dreams, well, nightmares.
that i'm invisible/forgotten.

DREAM:
i woke up one morning, and went upstairs like every other day. i had waffles, everything was normal. i look across the table, only to see my mom with this big scared stare in her eyes. while i'm just sitting there like, ? am i missing something? but no, it turns out, pyshically, my body WAS NOT there. i was invisible. my food was just splattering on the chair, just floating down and invisible tube (my esophagus), and just splattering all over the chair. she got a rag to clean it up.
i carried my plate to the sink, and this is what scared me. the plate was floating because I WAS FUCKING INVISIBLE! she started to freak out and then she locked herself in her room, scared as hell to come back out only to see that there were random objects floating in the air. not knowing it was me.

am i invisible?
am i forgotten?
will anyone ever forget me?

or.
am i missing something?

i'm clueless.
i don't know what's going on.
and this dream, changed my life.
i'm gonna look at things differently now.
and try my best not to be one of the ones who are forgotten.
so someone come talk to me.

and remember me
for the rest
of your
LIFE.

i love you.

i dropped everything

just to have you despise me, just to have you erase our memories together.
and i've finally got it.
and it feels good to say that all i really want for you is to have the biggest mountain fall on you, and crumble like a piece of cake onto your shoulders.
i want to show you what it feels like to laugh without smiling, and i want you to see how a smile feels like without laughing about every single thing.
i'm cleaning up this mess that you made.
it's your turn to get the mop and broom, and clean up after yourself for once.
so let's go.
scream at me for doing this.
because well, i have no use for you anywhere in my life again.
you're too far away for me to care.
i don't know who you are.
i don't know who i am anymore.
everyday i'm a different person, but i like it that way.
and you'll just have to learn to deal with it.
i know why you can't talk to me anymore.
it's all your fault.
you wanted this.

AND BABY YOU GOT IT.

loitter next to me.

stand next to me.
laugh with me.
talk on the phone with me until the morning.
smile with me all the time.
because im not tired, or sad anymore.
checkmark my happy days.
and scribble my angry days.
color in my grey days.

because well, i just dont care anymore. (:

its late nights like those...
that make me the saddest.

but it's mornings like these...
that make me the happiest.
(:

"can i get two scratches for my homeboy jesus?"

im choking on these beads, and no one is helping me survive.
people are paper cutting me with this deck of cards, but no one is giving me a band aid.
these fools are screaming in my ears, and no one will get me a fucking hearing aid.
we're playing bloody knuckles, and my blood is dripping everywhere.
it's thick, red, and you can see my over sized blood cells.
noise is everything, but you don't need it.
we can turn off the noise anytime we want.
people don't realize how nice silence is, they just never want to hear it.
people never notice the SIMPLE things in life, but i notice them everyday.
they make me want to wake up the morning.
everything i love is simplistic.
and colorific.
and fantabulous, and i love it.

so while i'm choking on these beads
getting paper cuts with a deck of cards
while people are screaming in my ears.

just remember that i enjoy it.
and i'm only being the simplistic girl that walks down the street,
walks when there's a stop sign, and goes when there's a red light.

just know that i'll only speed up, and never slow down.
i'll never fall below this level.
i've exceeded completely, and no one is stopping me now.

stop trying to...

FUCKING MOLD ME!
im not gonna mold.
im gonna fall out of the shape you want me to be and be a splatter of paint on someone's ripped jeans.
i hate this life that i've been living here.
its like supposed to be a home away from home.
but its more like hell on earth away from living hell.
i hate it.
i dont care about your stupid discipline reports telling my parents i was smoking.
do it all you want.
criticize the way i think even more, because i'll have my headphones BLASTING.
THE WAY I THINK DOESN'T FIT YOUR TYPE OF SCHOOL!
i get it!
so why the fuck am i here?
i'll tell you why, cause you're all walking douche bags.

EDIT; EMERGENCY EXIT!

its a funny thing, that no one thinks about.
but everything DOES happen for a reason in this place.
the meet
the greet
the lies
the cheats
the kisses
the fights
the battles
the losses
the deaths
the destruction
the messes
the break ups
the tears
the blood
the abusement.
EVERYTHING happens for a fucking reason.

JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE EMERGENCY EXIT.
because well, we're not quit done yet...

pages filled with ink

i want it to rain the hardest its ever rained just because all i feel like doing is listening to the perfect sound it makes against the metal onnings above the windows. i kind of want to sit on my porch and read a really good book that i never thought i would read because i thought the cover was ugly. i'm always the type of person that judges a book by its cover, and if the person/the book doesn't look like i would talk to them, i never actually will, unless they come up to me. i don't get it sometimes. i WANT to read, but i can never finish a book to save my life. i dont think i need a couneslour, but why can everyone else read but me? reading has like, seriously taken over the world. all you hear is shit like, "HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE?" or "HAVE YOU READ THAT BOOK?" and im always the one in the corner like, "no." i feel so stupid, and i feel like an alien sometimes. it's really stupid, but i need fucking help. I NEED TO READ A BOOK.

SOMEONE HELP ME!