thanks, thanks a lot.
i'm gone.

asleep.

listening to this almost blasting music, it vibrates my tummy.
the laptop its blasting from has a shape of a bubble the music comes out of.
and it forms around my head.
my eyes slowly shut, and finally i fall into the idea asleep.
i'm still awake inside, but my body is tired.
i can still hear the bass, and i can still hear the pianos.
it amplifies the room, and it amplifies my ears.
my head droops to the side, and im finally asleep.
my arms and my legs twitch, until i fall into the deepest sleep from the music.
my hand moves to the back of my pillow.
the pillowcase feels like snow on the ground with the cold pavement against your cheek.
i dream about how my bed is a cloud, or how i'm a cloud.
i could float in any direction, and i can rain on the people i greatly dislike.
i can rain on those that try to mislead me, but realize they've failed at that, and they've failed as a human being.
i can thunder on whoever wants to put holes in my umbrella.
in my dream, i can tell whoever to shut up, or whoever that i want them dead.
there's no consequences, and no, i'm not a famous author.
but i sure know how to write about my dreams.
in this dream, there's no fat or skinny.
there's one size.
and anyone can come and steal the hoodie that's keeping me dry.
its not too hot, its not too cold.
i twitch some more,
and i turn over.
i take a deep breath.
and my eyes open slowly to the light blinding me from the window.
i rub the sleep out of my eyes, and recap my perfect dream.
and that's when i wake.

change the lightbulb!

i have a ball and chain attached to me, and i don't recognize this feeling at all.
my intestines are churning, and choking my bladder.
until my eyes yet again, pop out of my head.
i know that i'm under this roof for another 3 years.
and that's what makes me angry.
i don't want to be, because im going to boil over like the kettle of tea that sits on the blistering hot burner.
i'm hissing to get out, and i get louder and louder by the second.
if you touch the bass of me, i'll burn your fingers right off.
i feel like i'm welded to my bed, im taped there forever.
i can't escape even though there's an open door with trees, and sunshine right in front of me.
im trying to make a fist, but there's an invisible ball stopping me.
its you.
its all your fault.
i don't blame myself, the earth, or anyone else.
I FUCKING BLAME YOU.
okay?

sometimes we remember

and if we could take the time to hear all these instruments, all these sounds surrounding us. all these hymns and all these glorified lyrics. all the ooh's and all the yeah's within our favorite songs. all the little kid chorus' all the people joining in and singing at the top of their lungs. the sound of the wooden stick beating against the hollow sounding drum. the sound of the singers voice in the microphone, castrating out insides, and outsides. to fill up a big yellow bucket with. so we can all be blood brother's and sisters. just listen to the violin over the speakers, and turn your volume up to max. and watch the sound waves exit the amp, and feel alive. listen to the lyrics that fit you, and what you go through everyday. let the guitar explain you, and the drums define you as a person. the sound of the amazing person's fingers tapping over the piano keys. in the most amazing and magnificent rythm your ears have ever heard before. your brain vibrates against your skull, and the sounds go through your veins like running water, and then they turn into colors. they clump up in your wrists. they turn into sand. so when you have a really bad day, and you hear a really sad song, and it gets you in the mood to cut, colorful sand will pour out of your veins. and your eyes will be filled up with endless colors. and your skin will turn thicker than your own blood. thicker than that sand that came pouring out like the waterfall you sit in front of, all alone, with no one sitting next to. you want to be the scribble to that someone's first coloring book, and you want to be the color inside of the person's gray world. but you know youre not good enough. so when you know that colorful sand will come pouring out on that depressing day, just know you'll cut yourself with a popsicle stick, and smile at the fact that the bass in the drums, and the fingers on the piano keys, and the finger tapping on the guitar strings, will make it all okay, and all you'll be able to do is smile. because you know the world, is just fine. it's all just fine.

what is it?

is it the fact that i lost my voice? forgive me and put up with me. walking in the grass i don't know what exists anymore. lets have a fist fight, and see who crumbles under pressure first. there's a flaw on your face, but i'm not saying a word. i can't hear your beautiful voice over this blasting guitar, but my bracelet broke in half while you were nearly screaming. my eyes closed shut, and i'm tied up in this red chair with mr. stink stickers all over it. i have crayons jammed down my throat, but i'm not gagging. it feels good to have color within me. they're inching down my esophogus, like a worm. inch my inch, and meter by meter. they're inside me. and they're never coming back out. they're in there forever. they're stuck to all the gum i swallowed over the years, they're stuck to all the paint i peeled off my fingernails once. the purple, the blue, and the orange all alined. this plastic wrapper sounding noise frightens me over the phone, can you tell i'm crying? can you tell my eye liner is running down my cheeks? and can you tell i'm choking on every word that escapes my lying mouth. i'm tripping over my phrases, and jumping over every single word you say. it's the biggest obstacle i've ever had to handle. i don't know what words mean to me anymore. i say them three or more times, and they automatically lose their meaning as quick as they run through my trail of memories in my pink, mushy, twisted brain. this cut on my cheek has been rusted over with all the saying and words you've been shouting. the band aid fell down the drain, and so did my choker. it slithered like a snake that day i took a shower. there's a marker chasing me, and its cherry, blood, red. do you know what this means? because well, i can only scream so much.

razor blades and ice cream

put the shirt of guilt on your shoulders, this is a million pounds.
take it off now, and feel as light as feather.
break the never ending necklace of memories dangling around your neck.
attach daisies to your eyes, and breath flowers.
the beads burst in every possible direction, and so do you.
your pupils dilate in rage and anger. i told you i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i'm not the fucking person i was before.
i'm sorry you forced my fragile skeleton onto the pavement.
my skin tears and so do my muscles.
my eye brow raises at the fact of me gaining knowledge off of this whole thing.
my eyes widen to the fact that i'm now a wiser person.
all because
of you.

don't tell me that i'm ordinary.

turn this door knob, to the left and now to the right. twist your lips in a shape i don't understand. believe you hold the key to my heart, you don't, and you never will. i'm scared, and i'm in this revolving, shaking, cold, world alone, and forgotten. don't let this stop. we're on a roll, we've been on a roll, but we're slowing down at different speeds. all i can think of is looking at the night sky, hearing whistles soar through the air, hearing and seeing US soar through the air. one day that'll happen. you never believe me anymore, because well. you hate me. i don't know when this is coming, i don't know where it's coming from, and it's unpredictable as ever. i miss you, i love you. but i've lost you, and you've forgotten me obviously. i want to scream where no one can hear me. scream at the top of my lungs, feel them tighten, and feel my throat bleed. i want to open my mouth as wide as i fucking can and scream until my heart gives out and tells me to stop. WHERE AM I GOING WHEN I DIE?! it seems i don't know where i lay when i sleep. and it seems i need to get my frustration out. start up the car, and drive to the nearest mountain that has a wooden sign that'll give me splinters. I FUCKING MISS YOU! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. this has all turned out horribly, but i still want you in my life. you're walking out, and i'm
WALKING IN.