i dropped everything

just to have you despise me, just to have you erase our memories together.
and i've finally got it.
and it feels good to say that all i really want for you is to have the biggest mountain fall on you, and crumble like a piece of cake onto your shoulders.
i want to show you what it feels like to laugh without smiling, and i want you to see how a smile feels like without laughing about every single thing.
i'm cleaning up this mess that you made.
it's your turn to get the mop and broom, and clean up after yourself for once.
so let's go.
scream at me for doing this.
because well, i have no use for you anywhere in my life again.
you're too far away for me to care.
i don't know who you are.
i don't know who i am anymore.
everyday i'm a different person, but i like it that way.
and you'll just have to learn to deal with it.
i know why you can't talk to me anymore.
it's all your fault.
you wanted this.

AND BABY YOU GOT IT.

loitter next to me.

stand next to me.
laugh with me.
talk on the phone with me until the morning.
smile with me all the time.
because im not tired, or sad anymore.
checkmark my happy days.
and scribble my angry days.
color in my grey days.

because well, i just dont care anymore. (:

its late nights like those...
that make me the saddest.

but it's mornings like these...
that make me the happiest.
(:

"can i get two scratches for my homeboy jesus?"

im choking on these beads, and no one is helping me survive.
people are paper cutting me with this deck of cards, but no one is giving me a band aid.
these fools are screaming in my ears, and no one will get me a fucking hearing aid.
we're playing bloody knuckles, and my blood is dripping everywhere.
it's thick, red, and you can see my over sized blood cells.
noise is everything, but you don't need it.
we can turn off the noise anytime we want.
people don't realize how nice silence is, they just never want to hear it.
people never notice the SIMPLE things in life, but i notice them everyday.
they make me want to wake up the morning.
everything i love is simplistic.
and colorific.
and fantabulous, and i love it.

so while i'm choking on these beads
getting paper cuts with a deck of cards
while people are screaming in my ears.

just remember that i enjoy it.
and i'm only being the simplistic girl that walks down the street,
walks when there's a stop sign, and goes when there's a red light.

just know that i'll only speed up, and never slow down.
i'll never fall below this level.
i've exceeded completely, and no one is stopping me now.

stop trying to...

FUCKING MOLD ME!
im not gonna mold.
im gonna fall out of the shape you want me to be and be a splatter of paint on someone's ripped jeans.
i hate this life that i've been living here.
its like supposed to be a home away from home.
but its more like hell on earth away from living hell.
i hate it.
i dont care about your stupid discipline reports telling my parents i was smoking.
do it all you want.
criticize the way i think even more, because i'll have my headphones BLASTING.
THE WAY I THINK DOESN'T FIT YOUR TYPE OF SCHOOL!
i get it!
so why the fuck am i here?
i'll tell you why, cause you're all walking douche bags.

EDIT; EMERGENCY EXIT!

its a funny thing, that no one thinks about.
but everything DOES happen for a reason in this place.
the meet
the greet
the lies
the cheats
the kisses
the fights
the battles
the losses
the deaths
the destruction
the messes
the break ups
the tears
the blood
the abusement.
EVERYTHING happens for a fucking reason.

JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE EMERGENCY EXIT.
because well, we're not quit done yet...

pages filled with ink

i want it to rain the hardest its ever rained just because all i feel like doing is listening to the perfect sound it makes against the metal onnings above the windows. i kind of want to sit on my porch and read a really good book that i never thought i would read because i thought the cover was ugly. i'm always the type of person that judges a book by its cover, and if the person/the book doesn't look like i would talk to them, i never actually will, unless they come up to me. i don't get it sometimes. i WANT to read, but i can never finish a book to save my life. i dont think i need a couneslour, but why can everyone else read but me? reading has like, seriously taken over the world. all you hear is shit like, "HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE?" or "HAVE YOU READ THAT BOOK?" and im always the one in the corner like, "no." i feel so stupid, and i feel like an alien sometimes. it's really stupid, but i need fucking help. I NEED TO READ A BOOK.

SOMEONE HELP ME!