sudden, oh so fucking sudden.
i've been through every face today, ever mood there is. every image anyone can portray.
it's like a drama mask that never ends.
it's like i can't escape.
i'm always angry.
i'm always happy.
i'm always sad.
i'm always teary eyed.
i'm always squinty eyed from my chubby cheeks nudging them as i smile.
what?
my moods have been switching on and off like a light switch.
like one of those blinking signs on the cheap drug store signs you see from too much condensation in the lighting from being outside in the humid air.
birds nesting in them, eggs breaking, birds hatching.
confrontation is my biggest fear.
facing their bony skeleton is my biggest worry.
looking at their eyes is my biggest habit.
searching for the right words to say, is my biggest hesitation.
concentrate. concentrate. concentrate.
up, down, across, left, right, sideways, horizontal, vertical
weave the web of lies.
lies are my biggest sin.
religion is my biggest regret.
being angry all the time is my biggest let down.
being sad all the time is my biggest anger.
being happy all the time is my biggest pain.
being tired is my biggest depression.
making sense, is my biggest insecurity.
flashing flashing flashing is my biggest break down.
sections of my moods are being cut in half with a meat cleaver.
am i just teary eyed because i'm laughing so hard?
am i laughing so hard i'm crying?
am i crying so hard i'm sad?
am i sad because i'm angry?
am i angry because i'm tired?
am i tired because i'm tossing and turning?
i'm tossing and turning because i wake up naked. without any company.
no company to think about.
no company to feel.
laying there awake is the only time i can think.
but my brain is going so fast, i can't catch up to it.
"you're not really asleep and you're not really awake."
i always wanted to believe, i could achieve anything beyond my wildest dreams.
THINK. CONCENTRATE. FEAR THE LONLINESS.
KILL WHAT HAS TAKEN OVER YOU.
SLASH ANYTHING THAT STEPS ON YOUR TOES.
make those chubby cheeks nudge your eyes one last time.
don't give up now. this is our first finish and our last beginning.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry you feel this way.
If you want, I'll be your company in the morning.
You're a great writer when it comes to explaining your feelings. I sweaw
what do you really want?
the finish or the beginning?
you'll figure things out.
where do the two come in for you?
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