you ruin my fucking life.
you won't let me live a life full of guitars and friends and outside.
instead, i'm cooped up in a house made of rules and i'm cooped up to where i can't move and the only direction the walls are moving is in. towards me, just to make me claustrophobic.
maybe i am being my stupid self.
and maybe you are sick of it.
if you're so sick of it, why don't you just send me away?
you know you want to..
you know you want me to go live with him, and you know you don't care what happens to me.
the only thing you care about is waking up the next morning knowing you won't see my face.
and you'll celebrate.
and i'm here to say, i'm okay with that.
because i'm sick of getting made fun of, and i'm sick of being ignored for all the wrong reasons and i'm sick and fucking tired of being miserable every timie i walk in here
and i'm over the fact that i fight with you all the time,
and i know i'm not your mom, and you hardly are my mom anymore.
i never talk to you anymore
when i do we fight.
i never see you anymore
and if i do its only because i'm making food in the kitchen
or walking past you in the hallway.
and i never hug you because you always have to do something to piss me off
i know i'm a teenager, and i know i'm just growing up.
and just because you know about my blog isn't gonna stop me from flipping out on you
because obviously i cant do it in person because you'll probably run your fist through my mouth.
but if this is part of growing up, and i'm supposed to look back on this and laugh and say
"where was my mind, what was i thinking?"
then why didn't i do that yet?
because i remember things i used to get mad at all the time when i was little and i still think the things i did get mad at made sense.
and maybe when i do get mad it doesn't matter to anyone else except me. but what if you're wrong?
did you ever think that someone could care about you so much, that they care why you're mad?
just because it might have not happened to you doesn't mean there's no hope for me.
if i try to talk like it's our last conversation, nothing, and i mean absolutely nothing will change.
just because i'm treating the situatoin differently doesn't mean it's gonna make it all better.
the day you die, you're dying words will probably be 'you were a mistake, fuck you.'
maybe i'm not as bad of a kid as you think i am.
but in real life, and in my mind. i am.
damn, you're all so clueless.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
burn outs
i'm a candle that has burned on,
and i'm a lightbulb that'll never lose it's power.
we're here right now, so live right now and live with right now.
would you give me your eyes if mine went blind?
they've been open for so long for no purpose, for no REAL symbolic reason.
strum strum strum away, lay in the grass and feel the dew on your hair.
the droplets drip down your rough cheek onto your shirt making dots.
light blue turns into dark blue because of saturation.
we could be dancing with no clothes on.
we could go slow, and we could laugh so hard
at the things we know and no one else does.
let's be something no one else could be
let's be something no one else thought of
and let's prove every single one of them wrong.
and all people tell me now these days are, "how cool is colorblind"
and that "some days i just think that i need a friend to tell me they don't know what they would
do without me."
well, i don't know what i would do without IT.
without what connects us - together - what makes us form like the jigsaw puzzle piece we are.
i always hear people telling other people secrets.
well my secret, was a lie.
and all i hear parents saying is how they expect great things from their children.
some people often forget to tell them that it's perfectly OKAY if they can't shine as bright as others
that it's PERFECTLY NORMAL if they're not shining stars.
personally, i didn't burn brightly.
and now ALL I WANT TO DO
is burn out.
and i'm a lightbulb that'll never lose it's power.
we're here right now, so live right now and live with right now.
would you give me your eyes if mine went blind?
they've been open for so long for no purpose, for no REAL symbolic reason.
strum strum strum away, lay in the grass and feel the dew on your hair.
the droplets drip down your rough cheek onto your shirt making dots.
light blue turns into dark blue because of saturation.
we could be dancing with no clothes on.
we could go slow, and we could laugh so hard
at the things we know and no one else does.
let's be something no one else could be
let's be something no one else thought of
and let's prove every single one of them wrong.
and all people tell me now these days are, "how cool is colorblind"
and that "some days i just think that i need a friend to tell me they don't know what they would
do without me."
well, i don't know what i would do without IT.
without what connects us - together - what makes us form like the jigsaw puzzle piece we are.
i always hear people telling other people secrets.
well my secret, was a lie.
and all i hear parents saying is how they expect great things from their children.
some people often forget to tell them that it's perfectly OKAY if they can't shine as bright as others
that it's PERFECTLY NORMAL if they're not shining stars.
personally, i didn't burn brightly.
and now ALL I WANT TO DO
is burn out.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
TRUST ME ON THIS
because no one else will, and the next thing you know i'll be chasing you with frigid fingers and you'll be crying to everyone you know and i'll be asking you where you are and you'll be asking me to stop asking you these stupid questions and i'm going to talk in a run on sentence because i don't know when i should stop and i don't know where i should start and i just need a good talking to because no one really sits down with me and takes the time to talk to me because i'm not fucking replacing you and i hate that you think i am but its not fucking true and you need to stop being so goddamn anti social i miss it you miss it we all miss it but there's no fucking turning back now we just need to go ahead and move on with our lives and i miss the old e-mails we used to write to each other and i miss when the mornings were cold and i had that shitty fur hooded jacket and i miss the hot coffee and i miss the snow on the ground and the snow in my shoes and the snow on my nose and i miss the winter because it was really cold and i enjoyed the cold because i would look through the classroom window telling everyone the next days forecast when really no one cared and i lived on kdka.com and no one cared and if you're reading this far you have a heart because no one would read this long of a run on sentence and i used a lot of interjections but i don't give a shit because my voice needs to be heard sometime. there
I STOPPED.
I STOPPED.
Monday, September 22, 2008
and that's when i realized,
all the answers are right under your nose.
i was cutting out magazine letters to spell the word "infinite" for some unknown reason,
i cut it out, and it just fell out of the magazine, off the page where i cut it out of.
and it just fell to the ground, from what i could see.
i kept on looking for the "i" i cut out, saying the word infinite as i was looking to see where it could have fallen to. i was saying the word infinite because without this particular "i" i cut out, infinite would have a spelling error. infinite just wouldn't be spelled right, infinite just wouldn't be complete.
i kept kicking myself over loosing this "i", as it was making me REALLY angry.
i go to look for another "i" in the magazine i've been flipping through for the past 15 minutes, and i blink.
i look on my hoodie and there's the "i" i cut out, and it's the right "i" i wanted. it's the "i" that "fell to the floor" it's the "i" to complete the word, infinite.
now, i'm feeling as inifinite as i was when i found that perfect "i" to complete the perfect word to describe what i'm feeling.
I AM INFINITE TO THE GREATEST EXTENT - WITHOUT ANY MEASURE OF HOW BIG OR LARGE ANYTHING IS.
exceedingly great: very great in size, number, degree, or extent.
-she is feeling inifinite over the letter "i"
i stop, and ask myself, "where is my mind?"
and that's when i realized,
all the answers are right under MY nose.
INCORRECT.
i was cutting out magazine letters to spell the word "infinite" for some unknown reason,
i cut it out, and it just fell out of the magazine, off the page where i cut it out of.
and it just fell to the ground, from what i could see.
i kept on looking for the "i" i cut out, saying the word infinite as i was looking to see where it could have fallen to. i was saying the word infinite because without this particular "i" i cut out, infinite would have a spelling error. infinite just wouldn't be spelled right, infinite just wouldn't be complete.
i kept kicking myself over loosing this "i", as it was making me REALLY angry.
i go to look for another "i" in the magazine i've been flipping through for the past 15 minutes, and i blink.
i look on my hoodie and there's the "i" i cut out, and it's the right "i" i wanted. it's the "i" that "fell to the floor" it's the "i" to complete the word, infinite.
now, i'm feeling as inifinite as i was when i found that perfect "i" to complete the perfect word to describe what i'm feeling.
I AM INFINITE TO THE GREATEST EXTENT - WITHOUT ANY MEASURE OF HOW BIG OR LARGE ANYTHING IS.
exceedingly great: very great in size, number, degree, or extent.
-she is feeling inifinite over the letter "i"
i stop, and ask myself, "where is my mind?"
and that's when i realized,
all the answers are right under MY nose.
INCORRECT.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
plug ins
i don't exactly know why, but i don't like it here.
i like it better here, but back then.
old lives, old times, old laughs, old jokes.
this doesn't exist.
what am i saying?
it's all in the past.
you've forgotten.
why am i talking about this?
no one cares.
you don't care.
i do.
why do i continue to think about this?
why can't my mind rest and go to sleep?
and why do i wake up un happy?
why do you tell me lies?
why do you say them to my face?
and why do i continue to follow you?
give me a name.
give me a sign.
stop running me over.
and stop leaving me out.
because i don't want to keep on sitting here.
i don't like your eyes.
and i don't like your expressions.
and i don't like your essence of absolutely nothing.
sometimes i wonder about you.
and sometimes i wonder about me.
and it's pointless.
you know why?
because i want to go back to everything before this shit hole happened.
you don't understand.
but i do.
why am i talking about this?
this doesn't exist.
what am i saying?
goodbye.
i like it better here, but back then.
old lives, old times, old laughs, old jokes.
this doesn't exist.
what am i saying?
it's all in the past.
you've forgotten.
why am i talking about this?
no one cares.
you don't care.
i do.
why do i continue to think about this?
why can't my mind rest and go to sleep?
and why do i wake up un happy?
why do you tell me lies?
why do you say them to my face?
and why do i continue to follow you?
give me a name.
give me a sign.
stop running me over.
and stop leaving me out.
because i don't want to keep on sitting here.
i don't like your eyes.
and i don't like your expressions.
and i don't like your essence of absolutely nothing.
sometimes i wonder about you.
and sometimes i wonder about me.
and it's pointless.
you know why?
because i want to go back to everything before this shit hole happened.
you don't understand.
but i do.
why am i talking about this?
this doesn't exist.
what am i saying?
goodbye.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
i'm a LITTLE bent
i'm quickly starting to fall apart. so bitter with the world surrounding me. i'm so easily angered, but never show it, and never say it out loud. and i'm so easily tempted to do things, and i'm so easily set off. i feel like i've once had my own two feet to stand on, but it's so far forgotten, that i'm either collapsing to the ground, or curled up in a ball on my matress hiding from the world under a comforter. every single attempt to break myself out of this downfall, fails. it only seems to bring me closer to absolutely no return. no return to people, no return to the earth. i'm so lost, without any idea of where i need to be, where i should be, or where people want me to be. all i know is it's somewhere not here. not within arms reach, anyway.
i have atleast some ideas of what to do to get to this destination. but there's a voice inside my head telling me that it's a dangerous route to take all alone. it's telling me to stick it out, constantly. so, why can't i listen to it when it's telling me it's dangerous, but i can't listen to it when it tells me to stick it out? i know exactly what would happen if i listened to it, i would just be stuck where i am today. i can't do a damn good thing for myself. i'm not serving much justice where i am. and i can't do anything good for others. i really am, and i really feel absolutely hopeless at this point.
no one should take this as my constant attitude. and please don't. although, it is becoming a daily routine, and a little bit TOO common. i just feel shut down after one of my usual mess-ups. and i just felt the need to berate myself, publicly on the internet. for your eyes to scan.
i feel a bit better letting this out, than lugging it around.
thanks for listening.
i have atleast some ideas of what to do to get to this destination. but there's a voice inside my head telling me that it's a dangerous route to take all alone. it's telling me to stick it out, constantly. so, why can't i listen to it when it's telling me it's dangerous, but i can't listen to it when it tells me to stick it out? i know exactly what would happen if i listened to it, i would just be stuck where i am today. i can't do a damn good thing for myself. i'm not serving much justice where i am. and i can't do anything good for others. i really am, and i really feel absolutely hopeless at this point.
no one should take this as my constant attitude. and please don't. although, it is becoming a daily routine, and a little bit TOO common. i just feel shut down after one of my usual mess-ups. and i just felt the need to berate myself, publicly on the internet. for your eyes to scan.
i feel a bit better letting this out, than lugging it around.
thanks for listening.
it's a mad world.
i think this was written by a very pessimistic man. he has a somewhat true overlook on the world. his overlook, that no one else really sees. he thinks that we're all robots, doing the same thing everyday like, school and work for very pointless reasons. he believes we all conform to society, and you should too. we're all doing what is happening around us. no one really searches for their goals. it's a mad world because we all have hopes and happiness but we're all robots in search for happiness in all the wrong places. we all hope it comes to us, we don't want to take the time out of our society following life to pursue that happiness and that hope we strive for all on our own. it's a crazy deal.
we should all go after our dreams and refuse to live our life pointlessly.
do what makes us happy.
no more
conformity.
we should all go after our dreams and refuse to live our life pointlessly.
do what makes us happy.
no more
conformity.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
i'm not just going to let you crash and burn like this, and i can't believe you're telling me you're happy, and i can't believe i'm not scared. one day we're going to remember this. and one day we're all gonna die and decompose into the prettiest fall tree this town has ever seen. it's thoughts like these that get us nowhere, and it's words like these that get us somewhere, and it's actions like these that let us die happy. i just want you to realize how much you just need to realize your own faults in life and you need to realize that your imperfections are better than the milkyway, imperfections make a perfect face, not an ugly duckling. have faith in the world have faith in pittsurgh and have faith in this bloody basement filled with cocroaches that crawl up your nose and eat your brain. because we all feel so alive, sunshine doesn't do every god damn thing. sunshine can't just make you feel alive. YOU make YOU feel alive. sunshine isn't every thing. and neither is god's small penis.
EDIT: we're not breaking hearts, we're breaking wine glasses. we're licking our fingers and rubbing them in a circular motion to make the high pitched noise so all the dogs in the universe can hear us. and i don't want to be an optimist. i want to be a pessimist and be the only one there is. because all anyone is anymore is an optimist. and optimist thoughts kill me sometimes, i just don't understand how someone can think the better side of things all the fucking time. like how the grass is greener on the other side. the grass may be greener, but what if they have tomb stones on top of them? what if you keep stepping over them and they just keep sleeping tight with worms and bugs eating away at them? what if they can never become that one thing they always wanted to be, that beautiful tree they wanted to sprout into? and have people kiss under it, and fight under it, and ruin perfect little optimistic picnics under. there's a negative side to every single thing that exists. there's a negative side to the dead and there's a negative side to the living and the lurking. you could buy the cutest little puppy, but that puppy has needle teeth, and it bites your shoes and you put the shoes on the wrong feet because this puppy is so damn high maintenance. and there's just not enough time for you to be an optimist or be narcissistic or be that somebody you just wanted EVERY SINGLE BEING YOU KNOW to pay attention to. all anyone is anymore is fucking optimistic. there's just not enough pessimists out there! and i need one to talk to me and i need one to leave with me and i need one to not be so god damn happy all the time. i'll admit, i love falling into happy trances, but sometimes, you just need a break. you just need to refresh with someone completely different from what you expected. and i'm sick of everything looking happy. take a little color and splatter it somewhere you never would like on someone's brand new white t-shirt. PERMANENT PAINT. you're not so optimistic now, are you? because all your wine is spilled all over your new ripped jeans from H0||i$73R. and that wine you'll remember forever and give to goodwill so you can give it to a pessimist and you swore and promised yourself you wouldnt even touch a pessimist because you're the biggest optimist around and i'm saying the same words but i mean them god dammit and i want you to hear them, and i want you to hear me out. optimism isn't FUCKING everything, okay? it's just not and this is how i feel. and no one will listen to me rant in real life about how i want to be un happy once in a while. if i don't talk something is wrong with me, if i talk i'm weird. if i'm not happy, i'm a pessimist and if i'm not HEY LET'S GO PICK GARDEN TODAY! optimistic there's something wrong with me. SO WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE JUST CONTROL ME. GET A FUCKING T.V. REMOTE AND SET ME TO WHATEVER MOOD YOU WANT ME TO BE IN. and i can gaurentee i'll go right back to this. and i'll rant and rant until your eyes can't fucking take it anymore. I'M GIVING UP AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS ANYMORE. LET'S BE UN HAPPY! PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE.
EDIT: we're not breaking hearts, we're breaking wine glasses. we're licking our fingers and rubbing them in a circular motion to make the high pitched noise so all the dogs in the universe can hear us. and i don't want to be an optimist. i want to be a pessimist and be the only one there is. because all anyone is anymore is an optimist. and optimist thoughts kill me sometimes, i just don't understand how someone can think the better side of things all the fucking time. like how the grass is greener on the other side. the grass may be greener, but what if they have tomb stones on top of them? what if you keep stepping over them and they just keep sleeping tight with worms and bugs eating away at them? what if they can never become that one thing they always wanted to be, that beautiful tree they wanted to sprout into? and have people kiss under it, and fight under it, and ruin perfect little optimistic picnics under. there's a negative side to every single thing that exists. there's a negative side to the dead and there's a negative side to the living and the lurking. you could buy the cutest little puppy, but that puppy has needle teeth, and it bites your shoes and you put the shoes on the wrong feet because this puppy is so damn high maintenance. and there's just not enough time for you to be an optimist or be narcissistic or be that somebody you just wanted EVERY SINGLE BEING YOU KNOW to pay attention to. all anyone is anymore is fucking optimistic. there's just not enough pessimists out there! and i need one to talk to me and i need one to leave with me and i need one to not be so god damn happy all the time. i'll admit, i love falling into happy trances, but sometimes, you just need a break. you just need to refresh with someone completely different from what you expected. and i'm sick of everything looking happy. take a little color and splatter it somewhere you never would like on someone's brand new white t-shirt. PERMANENT PAINT. you're not so optimistic now, are you? because all your wine is spilled all over your new ripped jeans from H0||i$73R. and that wine you'll remember forever and give to goodwill so you can give it to a pessimist and you swore and promised yourself you wouldnt even touch a pessimist because you're the biggest optimist around and i'm saying the same words but i mean them god dammit and i want you to hear them, and i want you to hear me out. optimism isn't FUCKING everything, okay? it's just not and this is how i feel. and no one will listen to me rant in real life about how i want to be un happy once in a while. if i don't talk something is wrong with me, if i talk i'm weird. if i'm not happy, i'm a pessimist and if i'm not HEY LET'S GO PICK GARDEN TODAY! optimistic there's something wrong with me. SO WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE JUST CONTROL ME. GET A FUCKING T.V. REMOTE AND SET ME TO WHATEVER MOOD YOU WANT ME TO BE IN. and i can gaurentee i'll go right back to this. and i'll rant and rant until your eyes can't fucking take it anymore. I'M GIVING UP AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS ANYMORE. LET'S BE UN HAPPY! PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE.
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