i don't know how to face you anymore.
i had a dream about you the other night, it felt so real
every touch, every word, every breath, every moan.
i can't believe i dreamt that.
you're raping my thoughts, and you're raping me.
you're raping the weak soul of a teenager who has no grip on life.

i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.

get out of my life
get out of my dreams
get out of my ears
get out of my soul
get out of my past
get out of my future

stop saying my name
forget my fucking phone number
forget ME DAD
FORGET ME PLEASE
THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING
I'M NOT COMING OVER ANYMORE
I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FAMILY
I HOPE YOU ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY
every tear i shed for you is useless
you have no impact on my life anymore
you're useless

you were never there
you're trying to be there, and you're failing
when are you gonna give up on the fact that i don't like you anymore?
when are you gonna get through your head that i don't love anything about you?

you've killed all the few good memories we had
i hate you dad.

stay out of my life
stay out of my dreams
stay out of my ears
stay out of my soul
stay out of my past
stay out of my future
stay out of my thoughts

stop looking at me with those eyes
and stop holding my hand
don't touch me
you're a monster
crawl under the bed where you belong.
pretty please with sugar on top?

giants are chasing me with big hands and i can't escape.
the shadows take over my shadow on the wall.

all i wanted was to be a shadow puppet.
i have rights as a person, to be anything that i want to be.
and i'm sick of you trying to tell me that's it's not going to happen.

it will happen and i'll sit in my dorm room and over-look the harbor one day
and i can't wait until my dreams come true.

and the giants will no longer caress me with big hands and bulky arms.
i'm so small, yet the world is so big.

i know this, it's in my head
but i'm still not giving up.
i'm going to persevere and you're going to be so fucking mad when it happens.
because i'll have money for a plane ticket, and i'll have money for college,
and i'll have money to do whatever the fuck i want.

and you'll be that crying giant waiting to touch me on the shoulder and rip the clothes off
my back.
and i'll have a shirt under that.
so you can't catch me now.
i'm un stoppable.
and one day, i'll live there and breath there and make friends there and become homeless.

it's an impossible dream i know.
but expect the un expected.

transitions.

sudden, oh so fucking sudden.
i've been through every face today, ever mood there is. every image anyone can portray.
it's like a drama mask that never ends.

it's like i can't escape.
i'm always angry.
i'm always happy.
i'm always sad.
i'm always teary eyed.
i'm always squinty eyed from my chubby cheeks nudging them as i smile.

what?

my moods have been switching on and off like a light switch.
like one of those blinking signs on the cheap drug store signs you see from too much condensation in the lighting from being outside in the humid air.
birds nesting in them, eggs breaking, birds hatching.

confrontation is my biggest fear.
facing their bony skeleton is my biggest worry.
looking at their eyes is my biggest habit.
searching for the right words to say, is my biggest hesitation.

concentrate. concentrate. concentrate.

up, down, across, left, right, sideways, horizontal, vertical
weave the web of lies.

lies are my biggest sin.
religion is my biggest regret.

being angry all the time is my biggest let down.
being sad all the time is my biggest anger.
being happy all the time is my biggest pain.
being tired is my biggest depression.

making sense, is my biggest insecurity.

flashing flashing flashing is my biggest break down.
sections of my moods are being cut in half with a meat cleaver.

am i just teary eyed because i'm laughing so hard?
am i laughing so hard i'm crying?
am i crying so hard i'm sad?
am i sad because i'm angry?
am i angry because i'm tired?
am i tired because i'm tossing and turning?

i'm tossing and turning because i wake up naked. without any company.
no company to think about.
no company to feel.

laying there awake is the only time i can think.
but my brain is going so fast, i can't catch up to it.
"you're not really asleep and you're not really awake."

i always wanted to believe, i could achieve anything beyond my wildest dreams.

THINK. CONCENTRATE. FEAR THE LONLINESS.
KILL WHAT HAS TAKEN OVER YOU.
SLASH ANYTHING THAT STEPS ON YOUR TOES.

make those chubby cheeks nudge your eyes one last time.
don't give up now. this is our first finish and our last beginning.

half empty next to nothing.

dirt and grime and clothes in the river and feet on the streets and you and me.
i know that it's nothing anymore, i know you're happy. i know i'm happy.
let's leave it at that
forgive and not forget. let's break a few rules
let's forget about the rule books
and forget about morals that were served to us on a silver platter.
yours was, mine weren't.
mine were served hands-free-under-the-table.
just like how i'm going to get paid.
let's compulsive lie; have them bounce in every corner of the ceiling
ever single quivering crevice of the doorknob.
twisting and turning like your face is distored.

the times were like a glass.
half empty of half full?
it's a trick question.

were "the times" an illusion?
or were they real?
did we actually live them?
or are they just washed away by waves like names in the sand.

i'm glad we're moving on.
i'm glad we forgot.
i'm glad YOU forgot.

it's like they never happened.
it's like
we're trying to be some alice in wonderland knock off.
just a dream
looking through a goddamn keyhole only to see yourself completely knocked out sleeping.

i would like to feel alive sometime too.
i AM alive.
I'M WALKING TALKING HUMAN FLESH THAT FUNCTIONS WITHOUT BEING GLUED TO THE PAST.
reality hasn't set in quite yet.
it hasn't made it way through my arms yet, it's stuck in a blood clot filled with tiny stress balls that are slowly starting to mend themselves away to nothing.
then reality will set in, under one condition.

when we did all this

were our veins half empty?
or half full?