spinning bouncing and shaking over and over again as our little hands touch the golden shiny poles.
the thing that made us come here the most.
our fingernails imperfect, our faces imperfect, and these horses imperfect.
missing a seat belt, missing a frown, missing a friends hand to hold.
out in the open you scream, and you laugh and you dance while sitting down. and you close your eyes and hear the carousel music and the rhythm and the piano's and the xylophones hissing through your ears, and swimming through the threads of your favorite shirt and running up your arm and tickling the little hairs on your freckled cheeks.
our stubby noses and our sharp teeth and our water stained tickets.
your hair is swaying in the wind and even though the horse is only going up and down you feel like your bouncing a million miles a minute! and you feel like anything could come your way and nothing could fuck you up. you feel like the wind could blow it's hardest and it wouldn't mess up one little shirley temple curl on your head. and even if your freckles are fake the wind can't blow those off either. and the wind can't blow your cotton candy out of your mouth because it's so sticky and pink and delicious. and close your eyes one more, just once more and think of the clouds and the blue sky and how white the clouds are compared to it and how bright and vibrant it makes you feel. and smile, smile the biggest you've ever smiled because this may be your last time and your last time before you could walk into your door and realize you're banned from your friends or you're tied down for a straight 3 months because of something someone else did.
so smile and laugh and LIVE! and just smile and laugh and live with me. and think of each other leaping through the clouds like there's no weight limit while holding hands and jumping and skipping and taking breaks to give each other hugs and have a tea party with the unkown.
ride this carousel like it's your very last breath, take in the deepest breath you can, because i still have not.
because this will all be real someday, you'll all see, that this ISN'T make believe.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
"we were just bouncing and laughing and running around making fun of everything and finding flaws in everything... "
Our legs were going so fast and my stomach was pulsating up and down because i could not stop laughing! i was running down the stairs and i could feel my stupid worthless dress pants rubbing against my buckling, shaking knee caps because i was laughing so hard. and i could hear your laugh echoing!
and i couldn't get enough.
it felt so real, and it felt like what you described in your letter that i read everyday to make me happy. my week was so miserable and so was yours. but we made it realistic and it felt SOSOSOSOSO incredible! and i hope you felt the same way. because it felt really good to feel it and see it and run and laugh and it wasn't just a spur of the moment because i never felt a dream that incredible before. and i can't fucking explain how much i love you, and how no matter how hard i try to respect you leaving me, i always miss you. and i LOVE being imperfect and obnoxious and pointing and laughing at people and talking in the corners of our mouths like that cute little kindergartner, tailin and her turtle penelope and greenfield! and i can't stop smiling and crying and for once i don't care if i look stupid. i think i don't care if i look bad in public anymore, and i'm glad that we're together again.
today really opened my eyes to what we needed, and what we've been missing out on forever. and how we wake up in CVS and steal milk brownies and peanit dinnerz and talk about the beverage man and all this simple shit that's ours and no one elses! but i'm SO glad it fucking exists and i'm SO glad we both exist together!
and i LOVE the feeling of existing at the same point in time on that street, on that bus that stops and goes every 5 seconds and making fun of the deaf lady and seeing all the classics and laughing at the pee water guy that stares at everyone!
I HOPE WE EXIST FOREVER, AND I HOPE THIS NEVER ENDS.
i blame today for all of this exploding happiness that i needed and you needed for a really long time.
AND
I
LIKE IT.
and i couldn't get enough.
it felt so real, and it felt like what you described in your letter that i read everyday to make me happy. my week was so miserable and so was yours. but we made it realistic and it felt SOSOSOSOSO incredible! and i hope you felt the same way. because it felt really good to feel it and see it and run and laugh and it wasn't just a spur of the moment because i never felt a dream that incredible before. and i can't fucking explain how much i love you, and how no matter how hard i try to respect you leaving me, i always miss you. and i LOVE being imperfect and obnoxious and pointing and laughing at people and talking in the corners of our mouths like that cute little kindergartner, tailin and her turtle penelope and greenfield! and i can't stop smiling and crying and for once i don't care if i look stupid. i think i don't care if i look bad in public anymore, and i'm glad that we're together again.
today really opened my eyes to what we needed, and what we've been missing out on forever. and how we wake up in CVS and steal milk brownies and peanit dinnerz and talk about the beverage man and all this simple shit that's ours and no one elses! but i'm SO glad it fucking exists and i'm SO glad we both exist together!
and i LOVE the feeling of existing at the same point in time on that street, on that bus that stops and goes every 5 seconds and making fun of the deaf lady and seeing all the classics and laughing at the pee water guy that stares at everyone!
I HOPE WE EXIST FOREVER, AND I HOPE THIS NEVER ENDS.
i blame today for all of this exploding happiness that i needed and you needed for a really long time.
AND
I
LIKE IT.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
i have to share this! ...
dream:
i was standing on a peer, just a wooden brown peer. overlooking the saddest body of water i have ever saw in my life. it was gray and i don't know if it was an ocean or a lake or a river, but it doesn't matter because there were fish jumping in and out of the water like it was hurting them. but fish live in water! THEY LOVE WATER! but they were jumping and flopping every which way and screaming like the water was toxic or something. and i think that's why the water was gray. so i walked away, because i couldn't take the noise of them. my hands were dangling at my sides and a hamster appeared in my right hand and a mouse appeared in my left hand. my eyes widened and i picked up my hands rather quickly to see that they were suffering. they were fucking squirming and dying in the palms of my hands. so i was frantically running every where, i was turning down streets that didn't even look safe trying to find one person that wasn't gray and down. but i didn't care anymore! i needed someone to help these poor animals. so i found a veterinarian lady, she looked like she could help. so i walk up to her, with the most disrupted look on my face, and i said to her, "hey could you help my animals? they're dying!" and she looks up and says, "there's really nothing we can do, mam. all we can do is kill them." so this veterinarian lady that i met, she snapped their necks. i looked up at her like she just killed my soul or something. and i just walked away looking at these gruesome looking animals that are now dead. i went to go sit down in this brownish chair, and it just so happened to be in the middle of a wedding ceremony. and i was just sitting there looking at my dead animals and looking up at the bride and groom and then back at my dead animals. and wondered, "am i the only one that's noticing this?" i didn't get how someone could get married while there were animals suffering on basically every corner of the street.
i cried when i woke up, and now i'm probably going to live my life very disturbed and i'll wonder about everything, and i'll probably be a little bit more pessimistic and paranoid.
thanks.
i was standing on a peer, just a wooden brown peer. overlooking the saddest body of water i have ever saw in my life. it was gray and i don't know if it was an ocean or a lake or a river, but it doesn't matter because there were fish jumping in and out of the water like it was hurting them. but fish live in water! THEY LOVE WATER! but they were jumping and flopping every which way and screaming like the water was toxic or something. and i think that's why the water was gray. so i walked away, because i couldn't take the noise of them. my hands were dangling at my sides and a hamster appeared in my right hand and a mouse appeared in my left hand. my eyes widened and i picked up my hands rather quickly to see that they were suffering. they were fucking squirming and dying in the palms of my hands. so i was frantically running every where, i was turning down streets that didn't even look safe trying to find one person that wasn't gray and down. but i didn't care anymore! i needed someone to help these poor animals. so i found a veterinarian lady, she looked like she could help. so i walk up to her, with the most disrupted look on my face, and i said to her, "hey could you help my animals? they're dying!" and she looks up and says, "there's really nothing we can do, mam. all we can do is kill them." so this veterinarian lady that i met, she snapped their necks. i looked up at her like she just killed my soul or something. and i just walked away looking at these gruesome looking animals that are now dead. i went to go sit down in this brownish chair, and it just so happened to be in the middle of a wedding ceremony. and i was just sitting there looking at my dead animals and looking up at the bride and groom and then back at my dead animals. and wondered, "am i the only one that's noticing this?" i didn't get how someone could get married while there were animals suffering on basically every corner of the street.
i cried when i woke up, and now i'm probably going to live my life very disturbed and i'll wonder about everything, and i'll probably be a little bit more pessimistic and paranoid.
thanks.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
and i remember all the fragrances and all the ones that kissed the top of my nose
the wind that went through my hair like a stream in a mountain peak, and the way my sleeves smelled like maple syrup because i was so careless eating waffles where i sat my ass on my couch and watched yo gabba gabba because the remote didn't work and i didn't care. because i was laughing at what my mind was thinking and i was laughing at how i didn't care what i was glancing up at to know that a million little kids were actually getting knowledge off of this shit. and i remember hearing the door slam and i remember smiling and showing my teeth at you and i didn't care if i had something in my teeth from the million french fries we ate, that i could barely devour as fast as you. and i just remember that inifinite feeling i felt driving in that shitty car with those people i barely ever fucking hang out with, that wanted me there, and i wanted to be there and we all wanted each other's company because company is good sometimes. even by people you barely even talk to because you can be yourself in front of them and you can laugh and feed each other taco's in the backseat of a clicking car that is barely pieced together correctly. and i can feel the cold october air hissing in my ears and swiping past my strands of hair like the million credit cards that were swiped at the mall that we drove to for no apparent reason that was closed. THAT WINDOW THAT KEPT CREEKING EVERY TIME WE OPENED IT TO ASK A HASPANIC LADY IF THE STORE WAS CLOSED BECAUSE ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS VANDALIZE THINGS AND ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS WALK AROUND AIMLESSLY WITH NO AUTHORITY.
i laughed so hard at the smiplest things.
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl that has found herself.
and her place is in that car and at those moments where we walked hand in hand and swung at the park, and sat and glanced at the city scape and the orange sky and the cloud that looked like two people having sex. and i'm loving this skipping music and this shitty tuned guitar, but i'm still gonna write my story in a word document and i'm still gonna strum this guitar and try my best to know what to say and know what do.
i love that foggy white room with different strobe lights fucking with our eyes trying to give us epileptic seizures but refused because all that mattered to us was at that moment and that time, we were holding hands and following the orange rope that led us to the exit we didn't want to go to because it felt like a time machine and the end of the world. my heart was racing and so was yours but you said you saw my silhouette in the midst of everything that was going on in that fog- induced- strobe- light- flashing room. all we needed was our imagination and our surroundings and our hands, and once we got out. i felt like we came back to reality but not quite because,
i love highway music and i really like the wind and i really like the tree leaves swaying in the frigid wind that once kissed my nose at that little nook where we were on that highway painted with yellow and white lines that we didn't follow.
there's no such thing as a straight line, and there's no such thing as following and there's no such thing as not singing lalalalalala in your head.
because YOU can
HE can
WE ALL CAN.
the wind that went through my hair like a stream in a mountain peak, and the way my sleeves smelled like maple syrup because i was so careless eating waffles where i sat my ass on my couch and watched yo gabba gabba because the remote didn't work and i didn't care. because i was laughing at what my mind was thinking and i was laughing at how i didn't care what i was glancing up at to know that a million little kids were actually getting knowledge off of this shit. and i remember hearing the door slam and i remember smiling and showing my teeth at you and i didn't care if i had something in my teeth from the million french fries we ate, that i could barely devour as fast as you. and i just remember that inifinite feeling i felt driving in that shitty car with those people i barely ever fucking hang out with, that wanted me there, and i wanted to be there and we all wanted each other's company because company is good sometimes. even by people you barely even talk to because you can be yourself in front of them and you can laugh and feed each other taco's in the backseat of a clicking car that is barely pieced together correctly. and i can feel the cold october air hissing in my ears and swiping past my strands of hair like the million credit cards that were swiped at the mall that we drove to for no apparent reason that was closed. THAT WINDOW THAT KEPT CREEKING EVERY TIME WE OPENED IT TO ASK A HASPANIC LADY IF THE STORE WAS CLOSED BECAUSE ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS VANDALIZE THINGS AND ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS WALK AROUND AIMLESSLY WITH NO AUTHORITY.
i laughed so hard at the smiplest things.
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl that has found herself.
and her place is in that car and at those moments where we walked hand in hand and swung at the park, and sat and glanced at the city scape and the orange sky and the cloud that looked like two people having sex. and i'm loving this skipping music and this shitty tuned guitar, but i'm still gonna write my story in a word document and i'm still gonna strum this guitar and try my best to know what to say and know what do.
i love that foggy white room with different strobe lights fucking with our eyes trying to give us epileptic seizures but refused because all that mattered to us was at that moment and that time, we were holding hands and following the orange rope that led us to the exit we didn't want to go to because it felt like a time machine and the end of the world. my heart was racing and so was yours but you said you saw my silhouette in the midst of everything that was going on in that fog- induced- strobe- light- flashing room. all we needed was our imagination and our surroundings and our hands, and once we got out. i felt like we came back to reality but not quite because,
i love highway music and i really like the wind and i really like the tree leaves swaying in the frigid wind that once kissed my nose at that little nook where we were on that highway painted with yellow and white lines that we didn't follow.
there's no such thing as a straight line, and there's no such thing as following and there's no such thing as not singing lalalalalala in your head.
because YOU can
HE can
WE ALL CAN.
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